362 Responses to “Bathroom Wall”


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  1. SensualSlim

    Ok so I could use some quick advice and hopefully someone has time to get to it.

    I have 2 former coworkers who are a couple and have moved across the country but will be home for the holidays. Both are sexually liberated and uncommonly twisted and I would love to have some fun with them in some way.
    Thinking of asking the male part of the two if he would like to team up to give the female a holiday spanking. Is that a weird thing to do? I have chilled with them vanillally in the past and we were decently friendly but never have gotten that close. Did almost instigate my ex and his girl to play with each other before but my half wasn’t down for it at the time, his was aggressively down for it though. Probably should clarify that I’m a guy.
    If it isn’t a weird thing to do then how can I bring it up without being creepy and what are some good ideas for a three way play? I would assume that I should find out the do’s and don’ts for each of them and all. Ive never jumped into another couple before. Hope you guys can help in time. Love the show :-) keep up the liberating work guys

  2. Cassandra

    I have been trying to masterbate more frequently, even when I am not in the mood.

    I was wondering if masterbating more results in someone being more wasily aroused?

  3. CuriousMoon

    I was so excited when I saw there was a new episode this morning! I began listening to the podcast a few years ago and fell away for awhile. I recently have found a way to listen while at work and have listened through all the episodes. I am so glad that you guys are out there standing up to make a positive difference in the sexual lives of others. As a woman who has had a hard time getting past my own insecurities, it makes me glad to know I’m not the only one and that there is a point to keep working on learning to enjoy myself. Listening to your podcast has been immensely helpful to me and I love the chemistry you guys have together. FYI, I think the mic arrangement sounded great. I could hear you both very well. Thank you for all that you do!

  4. Why Not

    So I just finished all the episodes including 71, and have several questions & comments:

    1. Would it be possible to discuss the P-spot and some of the popular toys such as the Aneros at Desire 2015 with men that are into it? Is it BS or is it a real thing? Do any of the toys actually work?

    2. Could you give some tips on how to maintain the mood going from eating dinner and watching tv to getting to the bedroom and having your partner put her tied hands on the wall while you spank and tease her? Basically going from glad to be home from work, put the kids down, & relax to its serious but fun sex time.

    3. My tip: We like to use neck ties to bind hands and feet Because most good mattresses weigh enough that if you tuck the long portion of the tie under the mattress your partner will Be able to pull against it without pulling it out unless they really yank on it at the right angle. Works in most hotels.

  5. Bottom-topper

    Married almost 20 years, took it into a “D/s” dynamic a few months ago at my urging. I’m frustrated and disappointed because I feel like I’m constantly having to top from the bottom. What episode can I urge my husband to listen to for direction and inspiration to research more into his role as my dominant? I want more kink and open communication, but I feel like he either gets angry or embarrassed when I try to start a conversation. I need MORE and I’m running out of ways to tell him. We have good sex, but I want mind-blowing for BOTH of us.

    Suggestions, Sir?

  6. DJ

    Dear J.V.,
    My Hubby and I just started listening to your’s and Shara’s pod casts and I had to relate something I thought would tickle your funny bone. Last week we we’re listening to the cast in which you admonished us ladies to NEVER fake an orgasm. I believe you said if you think about faking (YES i’m paraphrasing as you know what you said) a cute cuddly kitten gets punched in the face. Well later that night my hubby and I were having a great time together but I didn’t feel like I was ever going to get there so I thought why not just fake it…Then I heard your voice in my head saying a cute cuddly kitten was going to get a five finger smack down so I womaned up and kept going and guess what I not only got mine but squirted for the first time…SO THANX!!!

  7. T.A.

    I’m into kink, and my fiance is mostly not. He ties me up sometimes, likes to use the flogger on me occasionally, and so on. I enjoy those things, too, but I need more than that.
    I have mental problems which require a lot of outside guidance and discipline. My fiance is a good partner and provider, and he’s not an asshole any more than most people. He’s just not into the lifestyle.
    I understand that we’re not always going to have the same needs and interests, and that’s fine. That doesn’t make him any less of a good partner. I’m just concerned that staying with him (we intend to get married when it’s financially safe to do so) will mean that I’ll never get the dominant figure I need. Of course, I’m not going to leave him or cheat on him over this, but it’s still kind of discouraging.
    What should I do? Normally, my own thoughts on the matter would be that I should just try to keep myself even and manage myself as an adult should do. As this is a matter of mental health, however, there’s not much I have the power to change.

  8. Bi-Switch-ual

    Dear JV,

    I would like to bequeath twenty-three birthday spanking to your Slave to be given on the air at some point during the month of April. If you are willing to allow this bequeathal, as she is your slave, not mine, otherwise I would give them myself, I request that they be given with your special pancake spatula, as she was so eager to try it as of episode seventy.


  9. captain crunch

    Just want to say I started listening to your show about 5 months ago. Shared with my wife and she loves it too thank both of you. Would love to hear an episode on planning scene. I am fairly handy and would love to build some furniture to restrain and torture with, would you be able to do a short segment on different types of furniture that are popular in dungeons? Only one ive been able to find is a spanking bench somewhat like a sawhorse. Thanks again

  10. Bound Metal Fiend

    Hey, J.V.,

    You’re a metal smith. Maybe you can answer a question for me…

    Why is European made metal bondage gear so fucking expensive? For example, a simple metal ball stretcher from gerecke-kg.de costs 262,00€ which converts to: $29,837.57. WHAAAAAAAAAT?! How can anyone afforded that? Is kink across the pond set aside ONLY for European royalty?! Do the craftsmen in Europe have to charge to cover the property tax on their castles?! Have they discovered future alien technology that converts stainless steel to the cure all for human aliments? I mean, WHY?!

    For the record, I’m not such a pretentious snob that I’ll ONLY use nad elongaters from Europe. Hell, I’m not even in the market for one. I just chose it as an example because you can get a descent metal nug weight here in the states for, like, 50 bucks. However, there is some pretty cool stuff, especially chastity cock cages, coming out over there that you can’t seem to find stateside. But as much as I love them, there is no godamn way I’m dropping new-car-levels of bank on a sex toy. Unless it is something like custom made fuck furniture. Still, it would have to wait ’till after I learn to shit blood diamonds.

    I get you might not know anything about Euro-metal work. But maybe it’s worth looking into. Evidently you can fill a Scrudge McDuck size money vault by selling a single anal bead over there. Imagine the business possibilities! $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

  11. Vincent

    Do vaginal spermicides work?

  12. Tim

    I arrived late to this podcast and have been working my up from the first broadcast over the last few weeks. I just finished episode 26 regarding the sweeping change of policies for gays in the military. That was 2011. It is now 2015. Has this issue been revisited since? If not, is it possible to? I would really like the inside perspective of how things have worked out. On the public end it was more or less anounced to have an embarrassing non-issue. But it seems we can’t fully trust the administration to be level with us on this issue. So I would really really like to know what it looks like now from another unbiased first hand point of veiw.

  13. ramiro

    just had the best fucking of my life i tied her her up while she was wearing a scarf over her eyes ate the Fuck out of her and it was all cuz of your podcast thank you JV and S

  14. Maria

    I am a victim of your quality. My Dommy boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months, in D/s from the get go. We don’t live together and have complicated kids and work situations, and that frustrates his Dom plans a lot. It’s hard to get both the intimate time we need and the depraved play we crave. When I found your podcast and listened to lots of it, I was emboldened to identify some areas where I thought we could benefit from your awesome information and empathy. He doesn’t punish me when I stop doing one of our rituals. These are important because they keep us connected when we’re apart, and when he doesn’t punish me I feel like it doesn’t matter to him, and then I just feel foolish about picking it up again. I requested more rituals and consistency. I identified my desire to know more about how I can express to him that I am feeling kinky and subby and like being used and pleasing him, without being overt (standing naked next to him and requesting he come fuck or spank me) or putting pressure on him that makes him feel frustrated. I told him, for the first time, how badly I wanted a collar and tried to explain why.
    It may have been too much. It’s been hard to get him to listen to the podcast himself. We have an age difference, he is from conservative background and I’m of the hippy-dippy sex-positive young riffraff. I fell hard and told him so, he struggles to express any emotion to me. How do I keep from overwhelming my introvert Dom, for whom communication is difficult, with all my thoughts and emotions and hopes and dreams? I KNOW it is a hard for him, logistically, and he does amazing work already that hits my needs in dedicated play. I just want us to grow, and I love identifying ways I think we can. Maybe I should just focus on me. How do I do that?

  15. ramiro

    i just started listening to your podcast abd i was wondering my girl loves when i go down on her and she goes down on me too but she never lets me eat her out after ive cum in her any adive on how to ask her to let me thanks for you time and im loving the show

  16. Rebecca

    Hi J.V.
    I’ve recently started listening to your AMAZING podcasts, and am so thankful for your no-bullshit approach to sex, etc etc. I just listened to your podcast about “blowing the pole”, and have a question. I just started dating this guy about three weeks ago and went down on him last weekend for the first time (and my first time ever sucking cock), because I wanted to make him feel good because he is such an amazing guy. I did everything that my friends and research had said would make a good blow job, even making eye contact, but literally nothing happened. He was already hard, but the whole time he just sat there and smiled kindly, but didn’t react at all. I feel like a complete failure. Afterwards, he told me that he hardly ever feels anything during blow jobs, and they don’t typically have any effect on him. According to your podcast, he is either a non-human alien or I am just the biggest sexual failure on the planet. I’m so embarrassed by my failure at a task that seems so easy (all of my friends said it was impossible to fail at giving head). Any thoughts? Regardless, thank you for everything, and for all of the information that you and S put out :) XX

    • You’re not a failure, if you were doing everything right then odds are he’s telling the truth. Everyone has quirks and some guys have sensitivity or headspace issues with getting off from blowjobs.

      • J-M

        A previous partner of mine had dated a man with a similar situation. He was divorced and apparently his ex-wife didn’t like cum in her mouth but gave oral. On at least one occassion he ejaculated in her mouth and it caused some tension between them. Over the course of the relationship he had developed a fear of ejaculating/orgasming from oral. He was otherwise fine with orgasm.

        I would also note that in some relationships fellatio is only used as pre-penetration stimulation (try saying that five times fast; especially with a cock in your mouth) and there is a mental training that the orgasm happens at a different stage in sex.

        Both of these are examples of perfect “normal” headspace conditions.

  17. Annie

    I would really like to listen to a podcast that talks about fire, ice and knife play in the bedroom. I can never find anything that will shed light on the subject but I am interested.

  18. Onewoodsy

    Hey J. V. And shara,

    I am an aspiring cocksmith. In the beginning of my current relationship we have experienced some sub dom experiences such as spanking and restraints and then after the first three months we decided to become exclusive and began experiencing one another. After about two years of being monogamous, vanilla and developing a solid baseline, we have been actively pursuing nonmonogamous activity. I am currently on episode 15 after a week of discovering your awesome podcast. It has helped me rediscover my inner dom and honestly tonight is the first time I gave my girl permission to go have a fully overnight experience. I responded with removing her ability of touching her own clit unless it was appropriate in her experience, in dire curcumstance or unless I desire her fulfilling her fulfilling her own pleasure. An hour before her date began I sexted her and demanded that she felt her wet pussy and revel in it for five seconds before tasting herself. She responded with enthusiasm and self reported quivering. Tonight was the first time she called me sir, and my eyes widened with a shit eating grin.

    In our two years together, she has broken down the walls I held in response to past relationships and she left me truly vulnerable. I am now rebuilding the castle that is myself and I am rediscovering my more natural dominant side. I had to overcome a fuck ton of self doubt and insecurity and have rapidly been rediscovering myself in the face of opening our relationship.

    I have just wanted to say that listening to your podcast and finally ducking owning myself and getting over my shit has played an important part of my own self discovery. I thank you for your podcast even in the infancy of it. Hearing j. V. And Sahara’s interactions has inspired me.

    As I am newly coming at the open/poly/nonmonogamous relationship standpoint while also discovering my true inner dom, I wondered if you had any advice to give a young 26 year old male in this endeavor. I apologize in advance if you have covered this specifically in another episode, but I felt compelled to at least give you praises. Keep up the good work, bothe of you.


    A man in the making. ;)

    • Onewoodsy

      Ps. The episode on shame and religion had me wishing I had a bull horn in an orthodox or Catholic Church. My girl was raised in a Christian household and much like J.V. I rejected religion very early on in my life experience. I really connected to that. Love this shit and can’t wait to hear what’s next.

    • There are a couple episodes right around episode 38 or so that deal specifically with dominance :)

      Hit me up if you have questions after those.

  19. Elf

    Hi JV and Shara,
    How does one gain the courage to attend a munch?
    All but one of my relationships have been non vanilla, but have never taken part in the BDSM community, so it all comes across as a closed world to me. I am female, based in London (just in case that influences your answer).
    Thank you.
    – Elf.

  20. Wilson the ball

    Hello, I wanted to start out by saying that I’m an 18 year old dom who since turning 18 have been slowly but surely becoming more active within the BDSM scene. I’ve been into it since a very young age and I’ve been told by a few that I’ve had the chance to tie up or play with, (Most of them mid 20s) that I’m one of the best dominants they have ever had play with them. Now while I was flattered definitely the more I get involved in a larger community setting I’ve found that people tend to have three reactions to the age,

    A. They are cool with it and happy to see such young minds coming into the lifestyle. B. They look at me like I’m crazy or some shit and I show proof through an ID and they accept it and move on. But then there’s C which I’ve found to be rather common in my experience which is, to stop conversation and interaction all together and move on with their day acting like I’m pretty much a nobody.

    As it happened a bit I just figured they weren’t comfortable with it and kind of said, “Fuck it.” But as it has occurred more and more I find myself questioning whether I should be concerned. I realize I am rather young, I mean hell when the age I did find it out people were still trying to think of a decent way to stick A in hole B.

    But even with that and the rather negative responses I have been getting I am beginning to question on whether or not I should sit out for a year or two out of the community scene till I become an age where it’s a bit more… acceptable in their eyes. Any advice?

    P.S. I love the show even though I just stumbled upon it a few weeks ago and slowly have been getting caught up. It’s definitely helped me as a Dom learn a few tricks which is always a plus. I’ve even turned a few friends of mine to it who are looking to learn a few things themselves about sex in general.

  21. FayeD

    I had my first full blown wet dream about a lesbian experience last night. Most of my wet dreams (if I have any at all) are about 30 seconds long and take place in the middle of some other unrelated dream. This was quite the achievement on some level.

  22. flowerduh

    First off let me say that I LOVE your Podcasts! OMG! Just started listening to it a couple of weeks ago.

    I’m 35 years old and sex wasn’t a taboo topic when I was growing up. In fact starting at age 11 until 13 (along with my two cousins) every Saturday my mother, my aunt, and my grandmother would give us the sex talk with us. You haven’t lived until you hear your grandmother talk about condoms! Even now my mother calls me a sex freak!

    Having said that I do have a freaky side. I’ve been a submissive for four years. (LOVED IT!!) But for some reason I can’t get into the whole thing of anal sex. I mean when watching porn I love the idea. But to have it done to me hurts like a motherfucker! I’ve used lube and even when he was fucking me in my ass I used a vibrator on my clit and it still felt uncomfortable.

    But thanks to your podcast about anal sex I’m starting to rethink my whole position (pardon the pun) on the idea. Thanks JV for the tips and tricks for getting over my anal fears.

  23. babygirl

    You guys should get back on a regular schedule. I miss you and its always great to hear your input on anything. I would like to know your view on ddlg :3 please. Avid listener since the beginning.

  24. Lizzy

    I absolutely love your site. I’ve turned as many people on to you as I can. Strong believer in ending the sexual dark age.

  25. WhiteKnight

    Just found the podcast and started from episode 1. I would love it if you did either the battle of the sexes episode that was mentioned early on or an episode focused on bondage specifically. My wife and I are not an M/s couple but we do enjoy some D/s in the bedroom. Learning anything new about bondage or just some new tips or tricks would be wonderful.

  26. Sara

    Hi J.V. and Shara,

    I just wanted to say that I LOVE your podcast. I discovered ETSDA around the beginning of 2014 and my husband and I have been working our way through all the episodes. We absolutely love them and with your help our already healthy, active sex life has gone from good to GREAT! Thank you so much for saying what has REALLY been needing to be said. Not only that, but you do it in a fun, relaxed, inclusive format. You guys totally rock and are truly making a difference in the lives/relationships of people all over the world. I hope you will keep the podcasts coming. Thanks for all your great tips, advice, and entertainment so far!

  27. Levi


    I have been trying this dom/sub stuff for about a week lol. I was kind of thrown in this over night trial by fire once my wife laughed with her friends at the thought of me being a dom. She wanted to find a completely different guy to take care of this than me. Obviously I was embarrassed and motivated. A few pod casts and a week later my wife is more obedient than EVER and we have had the most amazing sex either one of us have ever had each new lesson we learn. Tonight Im taking her down to the lake with a already set up spot on the water with candle light and see what happens from there. I cant thank you guys enough about 8 days ago my marriage was almost over because fights about sex. Now were happy, friendly to each other, sexier, and more fun than we ever had in 6 years together. Thank you.

  28. J.R.

    I wanted to say thank you sooo much. My wife and I have 2 kids and work opposite shifts. Since I have found your podcast our sex life has gone from once every 3-4 weeks to at least 3 times a week and still hoping for more increase. Her favorite new thing is taking it in the ass while I reach around and play with her clit, courtesy of your suggestion. I would love to have your opinion on something to further our sex life even more. When I bring up maybe trying a threesome she tells me she would never do that but if she did it would have to be another girl. When she gets drunk she has a tendency to make out with other girls and last weekend out in the club even gave a couple of my buddies lap dances. I’m confused and not sure if she is just lying to me, or maybe even lying to herself, or if she just doesn’t want to admit she would want to try something like that because it’s “not what moms are supposed to do.” Please help.

  29. psyche

    Question: is it possible to only get off when somebody fingers you, but not through actual penetration? Because that has happened to me.

    • Magic

      Yes! That just means the fingers were hitting a spot that your previous penile experiences didn’t! Congrats on cumming with some fingers though and hope you get it again soon.

  30. Jinxx-kitty

    thank fuck you guys are back! I think I can speak for the entire audience in saying that we missed both of you dearly! Also, my birthday was in the beginning of January and I would be ecstatic if you could give shara my birthday spankings. I turned 20. It would also be really cool if you’d use a riding crop (my personal favorite)
    Thanks! <3

  31. Patchworth

    I just found this podcast recently and have been enjoying every show. I’m new to BDSM and all that that implies. The more I listen to your show, the more I realize just how deep in the Sexual Dark Age I’ve been residing. You’ve both been extremely enlightening, entertaining, and straightforward. I thank you for it, you’ve already helped me, and I’m sure you’ll continue to do so.

    As a newbie I would like to throw in a request. I’m a clown fetishist. This tree of kink has many branches and a lot of different psychology behind it. But not only is it a small community, it’s also highly feared by a good portion of kinksters. I’ve heard another podcast cover this fetish but I would love to hear your take on it and if you could help me spread the word about this fun and unusual kink.

    Keep up the great work!

  32. triumph$liding

    What an excellent show you guy’s have here, I was captivated right from the start and on a recent flight to Cairns I was listening to smoking the pole when my wife pulled my ear buds to see what music I had on, I was like o sh*t here we go, but she was soon giving me all kind of looks and smiles followed by giggles and raised eyebrows. Well she is hooked now as well as I am, and she looks forward to every show. My wife showed me on that trip that she was listening and took it all in, and hasn’t stoped showing me . A BIG THANK YOU TO JV & SHARA 10/10.

  33. Licker

    Please see my post from February 9, 2011 at 11:20 am you never got round to covering this and i am still waiting. So glad your back and i still love the bell Shara.

    • I’ve got your question on deck for when the Swingset folks join us again in the next couple months, I think you’ll get a better discussion on the topic with them involved :)

      • Licker

        Thanks for covering my question I listened to the show and was very pleased when you said my name.
        sorry for the brief question I am dyslexic and find typing hard.
        To clarify I don’t eat any pussy but my wife’s, and we don’t swing so no danger OK.
        I find that I sometimes come before her and she loves to come on my tongue and I was wondering if you ever do it to Shara.
        love the new bell keep it up.Thanks again and please tell the swing set thanks as well.
        Have Fun .

  34. Mindy

    So I just barely discovered your Podcast & books good job by the way!
    I ran across your podcast searching for erotica audio books. Which again Good Job! I started looking for your books and more audio please do more audio u are so good at it! Finally I started paying attention to the dates on the podcast eps I was downloading.,… =(. Talked about bummed out! Anyway I guess my question is are you and SHARRA still doing a podcast elsewhere? Are u still writing ? Where are you!? It’s nice not to be the only couple that says fuck off too “how it’s supposed to be” and hey let’s try this.

  35. Caro

    I know it’s been a while since there’s been movements on this page, but I just wanted to thank you two. Listening to your all your podcasts a year ago was the first tiny step into the BDSM world of wonders. I am sure you have helped many people out there the same way you have helped me. So thank you, thank you, thank you for putting words to all my thoughts and answering all the necessary questions to get started.

    I hope you two are doing well, I miss the podcasts, but I guess we are all busy with life :) I might re-listen to my favourite episodes!

    Love from Denmark,

  36. Elfie

    Just want to say missing the podcast – always put a smile to my face, making commuters look at me oddly as I randomly laughed! I hope that both of you are doing well :)

  37. Nee

    I need some advice. My husband and I have a fantastic relationship and our sex life is great. Before we were married I knew that my husband had questioned his sexuality in his early 20’s but missed women. During his first marriage (I am #2) he cheated on his wife on two occasions in order to have sex with a man. When he and I got together he knew that I had been with women and that he assumed would mean that I would understand his occasional want to be pegged by a guy. 2 yrs into our marriage (3 yrs ago) he was afraid to admit this want to me and cheated again. Although I was fairly certain I knew what happened and immediately took measures to protect myself until my husband could ascertain his safe health again. We have worked beyond this occurrence and are now in a much better place in our marriage but I also know that he like most bi-sexuals have this need that I cannot meet. I am open to opening our relationship so he can have this need met but only in an open, honest, safe and sane way but I am not sure about how to go about this. What I should consider, what he and I should consider? The boundaries? My husband has mentioned that he would like my presence and he no longer wants to hide this from me but share his need with me. I know that we have much to discuss before we work toward making this a reality and your advise on all things to consider is greatly appreciated!

    • Medical Advisor

      The best resource I have see is THE ETHICAL SLUT by Dossie Easton, Janet W. Hardy. IT is on Amazon and other book sources. Despite it’s name it is geared for a loving polyamorous relationship Regardless of what you may name your process this book is a great guide to looking at your relationships and setting up boundaries, safe choices, and even contracts.

      Dossie Easton, Janet W. Hardy also have a number of other books very helpful for relationship management.
      All the best in your quest.
      Your Medical Advisor

  38. hdnpass

    What happened, I barely caught up on the podcasts and it just stopped. Dang I was really getting into it and Poof, nothing?

  39. Anika

    Constructive Criticism…I have always struggled with this. Master tells me that I need to do something differently, I do have this inner struggle that first I close up, I get angry and when I have calmed down I realize that he is right anyway…why do i have to go through of the emotions to get to where i will be anyway! Is it because in the past constructive criticism was delivered incorrectly to me? Do I think i have that big of an ego that i think i am always right? Is it an inner struggle that submissive’s have? I have spoken to some well adverse submissives and most of them struggle with this as well so i know i am not alone. insight and constructive advice lol would be helpful please and thank you..and one more thing as a submissive should we always take criticism as constructive?

  40. Joe

    Will there ever be more podcasts? Are you (plural) OK? What’s going on?

    We miss you.

  41. T

    J.V., Shara,
    I wanted to write and thank you for all the Ending the Sexual Dark Age podcast has done for me over the years. Specifically, I think it just saved my marriage.
    I just finished listening to Episode 54 on Cheating, and it convinced me not to do so. Your honest words made me realized the level of selfishness and the fallout that could occur if I went forward with the plans that I had. I cancelled all my online profiles, kept it in my pants, and am not going forward with any more seeking out of outside play.
    I was about to be a P.O.S., but two people who are wise made me realize that I was better than that.


  42. Mel

    Is this still an active podcast? If so, when can we look forward to another episode? Thanks for taming my curiosity! Love the show!

  43. TruckerDerek

    Just want to say I started listening to your podcast today with episode #1 and I love the frank and honest info and opinions. Very refreshing. I look forward to working my way thru all the episodes and hearing more. Keep up the good work!

  44. Becky

    I’m in a new relationship with a very nice guy who really want to please me. We both love making love, and especially doggy-style like position. However, though I love to arch my back for him, said back has begun to hurt. I am flexible, but it seems that too much of it has gotten the better of me. Does anyone there know some exercices to do to reinforce it or nice alternatives to continue pleasing him and myself? Thanks a lot, JV and Shara too, for the podcast. Really is quite entertaining and I learned a lot. Actually, it’s my boyfriend who introduced it to me in the first place :P

  45. Kacey

    I have listened to quite a few of the podcasts and while you guys always touch on my issue, I don’t think you’ve featured it in an episode yet. The problem is, I’m submissive and also painfully shy/easily embarrassed when it comes to talking about sexual likes/dislikes. I feel no shame about sex/masturbation, etc. but discussing it is hard for me. My husband on the other hand is pretty dominant and -loves- dirty talk before, during and after sex. Naturally I’m terrible talking dirty, I never know what to say or where to start. Sometimes I manage a bit, other times I’ll clam up and get so embarrassed that sex stops being fun. I notice you and Shara talk dirty often and it seems to come naturally. Do you guys have any tips for pushing past that embarrassment, or simple things to say to ease into it? Being submissive, I want to give him what pleases him but this area is a struggle for me! Any advice would help.

  46. Dear JV and Shara,

    My husband and I have been enjoying listening to the podcasts together. He recently listened to the show about eating pussy and told me that I needed to write to JV. We listened again together and JV made a comment that he would like to hear from any women who DID NOT like to have their pussy licked. Well, hear I am.

    Let me give you a little background first. My husband and I have been married 15 years. I was raised in a home with a Baptist Minister as a father so needless to say my views on sex were pretty screwed up for a long time and our sex life had gone to non-existent. We discovered the wonderful world of Kink and BDSM a little under a year ago and it has saved our marriage.

    I have never cared for having my pussy licked. It just never seemed to do anything for me. I don’t blame the men for this either (well, maybe a couple). I never said anything because I was in the state of mind that just like sex in general, this was just something that we women had to grin and bear for the sake of the male ego. Most of the men who have gone down on me did a fine job and had a good technique, it just didn’t WOW me. I am a very sensory type person and tune into the texture, feeling, sound, smell and color of things. I think the human tongue is just one of those textures that I don’t care for on my clit. My husband was actually quite good when I used to let him go down, but I finally got tired of faking it and told him it was not necessary. The man has magic fingers and I prefer to have him finger my clit than lick it. Since I was still MORE than willing to suck his cock it seemed to be a win/win.

    Fast forward to the future and we are re-discovering and trying new things; so when my husband suggested I write to you it re-opened the dialogue about why I do not like to have my pussy licked. I wanted to really think about it for a day or two and give a complete honest answer. Since it had been a long time that he had visited south I asked my husband if he would be willing to give my pussy a good tongue bath so I could see if I still felt the same way. He was more than willing to make the sacrifice.

    I try and keep things trimmed down there; but as you know there are some very hard to reach areas so I also asked him if he would be willing to shave for me. Again, he was glad to help out. So last night, as he put the kids to bed, I took a nice long shower and made sure things were squeaky clean inside and out. He had me lay on the bed and propped my hips up with a pillow covered with a towel and did a fantabulous job at shaving my pussy for me. I love it when it feels super smooth like that. After he was finished shaving, he placed a blindfold on me; cuffed my wrists and ankles in a kind of front hogtie (a new position for us which was great) and went to work. He started with some light flogging and spanking before he let his mouth go to work. He would stop from time to time and flog me some more or just caress my body.

    The whole experience was absolutely amazing and I did orgasm several times while he was down there; however, the final verdict is that I would still rather spend the time on other things. Yes, I had an orgasms but I think that was more in response to the new position he was trying, the flogging and being blindfolded. On a side note: I can’t be certain but I think God was hung over when he created me because I think he put my clit in my nipples. :) I can never get enough breast/nipple play and frequently have had awesome orgasms just from him playing with my nipples.

    After taking a break I thanked him and his efforts with an intense blow job session (the deeper and harder the better).

    So to sum things up, I still prefer NOT to have my pussy licked, I still LOVE to deep throat his cock, and we are having amazing sex. Thank you JV and Shara for opening a dialogue that created an amazing night for us.

  47. meaculpa

    so I use to date this guy who was a self identified sadist. I dumped him like a year and a half ago when it became kind of obvious that he was emotional abusive (he always claimed it was inadvertent). We never actually had sex because he said he wasn’t comfortable with his sadism. But that’s just background.

    I got like 30 really long texts from him which isn’t completely strange, but in one he asked if I need help “handling people”. I stated that I was a manager at work and could handle things fine myself. He replied that he couldn’t imagine me ever being able to get anyone to listen to me.

    Now I know this is stupid. But for the last like two days I’ve been feeling super violated by this one comment, and really kind of uncomfortable with my own sexuality as a submissive given the implications.

    I know it’s stupid, but I don’t know how to get past it.

  48. Virgo

    Hey, JV, and Shara

    I know you guys have already done an episode on taking virginity, but I would like some…well informative advice on loosing it and avoiding some of the mishaps I’ve heard about (hilarious though they maybe) . a lot of my friends have been making jokes about pain and frankly I’m just curious about the process in general.

  49. Jim E. Ness

    Hey JV, Shara,

    I think I am suffering a small case of analysis paralysis, and I wanted to see if you guys can give me some pointers.

    Let’s start from the beginning. I have an AMAZING partner. Besides the fact that our relation out of the sack is great (it took us a while to get here, but here we are), she is completely GGG for anything and everything that comes to mind to any of us, as long as it involves only the two of us. And she is even cool with me playing with someone else by myself (she has the same freedom, but I think she is more monogamous that I am).

    I have been curious about involving other people in our fucking. I never wanted to be proverbial asshole pushing the girl’s head to his dick, I didn’t want to push the issue to harshly, so, I told her “I know it is outside of your comfort area right now. I would like to try, I don’t think that is going to change. Let me know if your opinion change at some point”.

    A few weeks ago I was playing one episode of your podcast, I don’t even remember which, but there was a phrase, where J.V. said something on the likes of “you haven’t lived until you get your dick sucked while your girl is getting fucked”. That got the gears on her head working. She has mentioned the idea caught her attention a few times. And then last night she drop the bomb that she wants to make it come true, she wants to get fucked by another guy while blowing me. I have to admit, it would be much more thrilling for me, as a straight guy, to introduce a girl first, but the idea is actually quite thrilling. But I am suffering a bit of the analysis paralysis distress.

    You see, I know that I am the one who will have to set it up. I mean, she will want to know who the guy is beforehand, and I am certain she will want (and will have) veto power, but it will come to me to set it up.

    The caveat: Believe me, it will not happen in the next few weeks because life is so crazy for other stuff. And after those few weeks we will be living where we grew up, but where we have not lived since our late teens. I still have friends in the area, but when I left I was somewhat sexually illiterate, and I don’t have really a community to explore. The only guy I can think I would be completely comfortable fucking my wife, I am certain if asked, he would be game, I am not really sure if my wife would want him to be, but I AM CERTAIN his wife would not be particularly pleased of the idea!

    So, the problem is, we have few close friends there, relations that remain over a decade after we left, but I am not certain any other has the trust to ask for a lay, and most of them are women, not men. I don’t know how to go about it. I know I don’t want to see my wife fucked by any stranger. I don’t mean that the guy has to be so close is like if he was my brother from another mother. But at the very least, I would prefer if it was a guy I would be comfortable having a beer with the rest of my friends.

    Any ideas?

  50. Frank

    here is my new situation. She is driving the car too fast… I cannot believe I’d ever say that but somehow I feel like that is happening and that I am not even in the car sometimes. We have had several MFM, a few MFMF and no FMF because she likes to be the center of attention and she does not like girls. She has allowed me to explore my bisexuality too which I really appreciate, and she has no jealousy issues when it comes to couples play. On my side, I love to see her happy and getting all the pleasure she needs and deserves and I had allowed her to play with some of her friends. This has evolved in 3 favorite guys.

    Guy #1 is a mutual friend, we play together, have fun in and out of the bedroom and she meets about every week with him during the day while I am at work. I feel perfectly fine with him and he is also my good friend.

    Guy #2 we met at a party, she has had sleepovers with him and I like the guy. I don’t play with them when they are together and after listening your podcasts I have concluded that my wife and him have a poly relation with feelings and everything. They talk to me all the time when they are together and this guy is very respectful about me too always understanding that I am the primary person on this relation; I am ok with Guy #2.

    Now there is Guy #3. This is a very nice guy to her and she likes him a lot. He is married but we think the wife does not know. One time they were going to meet at a hotel but when they arrived, the place was full, so he found through LSL a couple that was nearby and could host them. That’s when everything started. After that time, he started posting on CL. As you can see, he does not lie about “married to others” thing, but now he is out searching for couples to play with them (him and my wife). They have done that a couple of times already and he is very active “searching” for couples for them. I know that they had have super-hot sessions and although the first time I found it interesting and was happy for her that got to explore her sexuality in a brand new light as she played with a girl for the very first time now I am starting to get annoyed that I am left behind while this guy goes out on the hunt using my wife as bait. Yes, she is not forced, she is loving it, but again, I tend to think that I’d like to do the same and be there. She claims that she does that only during the day when I am at work and cannot go, but still I don’t feel it is fair or right. I don’t like either that she is doing things that I have never seen her doing, like being with a girl, because these couples have bi girls and as far as I new, she does not like girls, but on the heat of those moments, she has liked them.

    I am afraid that if I shut that down, she will miss something that she is linking, but at the same time, I feel this guy is getting away with something that I am not completely comfortable with because I am left out. The guy has not talked to me or written a line to me since for months. He only talks to her and if I am the husband, shouldn’t the guy at least have a courtesy call to say that he is finding someone else to play with my wife? Those postings in craigs, I found them… he didn’t send them to me.

    Sorry for the long email but I am really looking to hear from you guys because if I’m wrong in my appreciations and I am making things bigger for some insecurities I could have, then I need to know, if I’m not wrong, then I need to stir the wheel into the correct direction…

    Please advise!
    Your fellow listnener!

  51. samantha

    I’ve recently started listening to your podcasts and I am enamored. My boyfriend gave a rule of having to listen to AT LEAST one podcast a week so that we can discuss and try out anything I might like, and set aside what I don’t.

    So far, I have liked EVERYTHING I have heard.
    And am very excited to keep listening to your podcasts!

    Wickedly wonderful advice/tips/tricks/ideas.

  52. Kathy Dolan

    My husband and i have been listening for a couple of months and have enjoyed it. We would like to learn how to do a successful prostrate message ending in orgasm. My husband feels he needs to do an enema before trying which makes it inconvenient. He’s concerned with cleanliness. Is this a legitimate concern?

    • Sleazy Braniac

      Here are my two cents. Just in case, I’ll try to be civil, but I may be a bit graphic.

      Yes, cleanliness is a legitimate concern. Only one person has told me that the guy she was playing with couldn’t help but defecating when she retired her finger from his anus. But I have heard more than one story where the finger comes out with a little present. It is definitely a possibility. It’s like having anal, sometimes the condom is not as transparent when you take it off.

      If he is into enemas, sure, it is an option. Don’t overdo it, though. But on the other hand, if you are not completely grossed out by the small chance of ending up with tiny bits of feces on a barrier method, I would say that it is easier and less troublesome if you put a towel under his butt, and use latex gloves. In my experience, I prefer gloves to no gloves, because of the feeling. And the use of lube is, I would say, a must.

  53. Silversurfer

    Question to JV and Shara: When we go to swinger clubs (Denmark and Spain) we very often end up disappointed because so many people obviously are not using any time at all to on staying healthy and fit. At the same time we are disappointed that so few people (especially men) have taken time to learn simple social skills and good manners. I must say that i reckon that this might be a rant, but come on people. Touching without permission – sticking your dick ind her face when she has shown no interest… We each use a 1-2 hours every other day on training and eat healthy 95% of the time to stay fit and attractive. Is it to much to expect of others? What happens, aren’t people ashamed of being obese? Why do so many people not seem to care – I don’t get it!!! Finding attractive AND people to play with seems sometimes difficult. Or maybe we are just not hungry enough?…

  54. JA

    Dear JV, where are the new podcasts? I love listening to your podcast, but they just stopped coming! Is everything alright?

  55. Rick

    Thanks for all the photos! We are not regulars on Facebook but I do check your Facebook page almost daily to see what fantastic presents you have brought us. Thank you for your podcasts too! They have been seriously life-changing for us. Keep up the good work.

  56. Tamara

    Question: if a guy offers to lick me clean, does that indicate bi sexuality? The guy I’m seeing has told me I can ask him to do that & I’m wondering..a friend told me before I started seeing him that she had heard that he had been with a man/men before, but being as he told me I was the first anal he’d had, I assumed this was a rumour (I’ve heard untrue rumors about myself before!). Also I’ve not seen any indication of bisexuality anyway & I am too scared to talk about it in case he gets offended. It wouldn’t matter to me if he was, I guess I’m just curious. Thanks!
    ps thanks for awesome podcast, I’ve been listening since the beginning & it only gets better!

  57. Jes

    First I have to say I love this podcast, even though I’m still playing catch up, and I wish I had come across it sooner. Before I started listening I never realized how little people really talk about sex, and this podcast has taught me so many things. I thought I had a good working knowledge of sex and now I realize that what I knew before was only a drop in the pond. I can’t wait to put my new knowledge to use when my next playmate comes along. You guys do excellent work and best of all, you make it fun. Thank you so much!

  58. Salethia

    Two things, Firstly i wanted to say love the podcast, love the message, i just need to catch up. just started listning the other day. secondly i am looking for some advice, my husband and i would both love to get into some bdsm, the issue is we are both very much subs, we do occasionally play around but knowing that the other person isnt enjoying it as much is a bit of a bummer. we are wanting to look for a third person who could join in sometimes and be a dom to both of us. we live in Australia and have no idea were to start looking.

  59. Anonymous For Now

    Just listened to HomophoBiSexuality and wanted to add: threesomes with two guys can also happen if the woman takes charge.

    Good memories,
    Anonymous For Now

  60. Sleazy Braniac

    I have a dilemma. Let me give you some background. I am a postdoctoral fellow at a university. This means, I am technically a young junior visiting professor that just a few years ago was still a doctoral student.

    Also, I am married, but for a few years we have had a poly-in-principle relation, meaning we have complete permission to have other sexual and emotional relations, but neither of us has used that permission yet.

    Well, a couple of weeks ago, a senior colleague of mine, who is in another department asked me to mentor a bit one of his grad students, a lovely lady, about half a decade younger than me (and I am in my very early 30s, we are both adults). During this two weeks of mentoring, I have spent easily twenty hours with her, from which maybe twelve have been mentoring, and eight have been lively (and lovely) chit chat.

    I have to admit I am a bit smitten by this young lady. I’m a complete sapiosexual, and this girl is brilliant, she is also funny, and honestly I think she is really hot. Also, I think she has also taken a similar like of me, though, I am very aware it may be just a wrong extrapolation due to wishful thinking.

    In almost any other situation, I wouldn’t have a problem jumping in the pond and finding out if I am right or wrong. But I have a bit of an ethical dilemma. On one hand, I have no real authority over her. I am too junior of a professor to take part in any school committee, not counting the fact that I am not even in the same department. I won’t be teaching any class she will take. And even according to the school ethics bylaws, I am on the clear.

    On the other hand, even when there is no real power relation when it comes to her academic future, there may be a perception of one. With this I mean I am already an expert on a very particular topic she wants to explore and become an expert herself, one of less than a handful in the university, and the one to whom she has more access.

    Maybe I am over thinking this (I am a scholar), but I had a few very helpful informal mentors while I was a graduate student myself, and I know how much time and frustration they save you. I would hate to hit on her (for lack of a better expression), and either have her not come to me for help with her research, or realize later on that she went along with my advances because she felt she had to in order to keep my help. I would gladly keep assisting her even if she turns me down right away, no questions ask. As a scholar I do think that we have the responsibility to help along those that come behind us and are willing and wanting to follow in our footsteps.

    But every day I spend a couple of hours with her, I am more and more aware that I really have the hots for this girl.

    Any comments? Suggestions?

  61. Annon please

    Is there such a thing as being too wet? Years ago my ex said I was too wet and now I find that I’m very self conscious about how wet I get with my husband. He has never complained and seems to love that I leave puddles on the bed, but I’m having a hard time getting past the past criticism. Is this one of those things I need to ‘get the fuck over’?

    • Lickylissa

      I think that it’s great. Your ex is a douche. You being wet means your always ready. Nothing wrong with that. If you we’re dried up, he’d complain then too. Fuck him and enjoy yourself.

    • Former Dumb Fuck

      Hi Annon,

      I am going to play the Devil’s advocate for a little while and ask you to forgive your ex, if the comment was a passing comment and not a nagging complaint. And if it was a nagging complain, let me tell you that it tells more about him than about you, and he was an asshole.

      Let me explain. I started fucking the woman who now is my wife about twelve years ago. I was a college kid, without any delicate sensibility. And as most guys, I was not raised to be deeply self conscious of my body, as unfortunately it seems that most women are.

      One morning, maybe six months into our relation, I had a long session of head giving on her. At the time I wore a several months long full beard. Her juices impregnated my beard and left it smelling like her pussy. Once we were at school she saw me I was uncomfortable, and asked me what was the problem. I told her something like “My beard smells a lot, it’s giving me a head ache. I need to go to the bathroom and wash my face.” I did not mean that I didn’t like her smell, on the contrary, to this day there are few things that arouse me as much as the smell of her pussy when she is aroused. But even with perfume, in small doses it is really really nice, but in excess, no matter how good it smells, it overwhelms you.

      Of course, years later I discovered my wife had been self conscious of her smell for all that time for a simple comment that had not been intended to chastise. I

      Another remark, yes, I do think you should bet over it. Your body react the way it reacts. Your hubby seems to love it, great. I am of the frame of mind that there is no thing as a pussy that is too wet. And if you want to avoid the wet spot in the sheets, just place a few towels. If you allow me to say, I was the guy you wanted to fuck, I would not mind to get you literally dripping wet. Actually, I would consider it a bit of a compliment. And seriously, if you are chastised by anyone because of how your body reacts, that says more about them than about you.

      As a final tip. The way my wife use to satisfy her self consciousness was by allowing to go down on her only when she was fresh out of the shower. The way I got her over that bump was to make out with her when she got back from work before she hop in the shower, and once she was aroused, I would go down on her any way. She tried to complain about it a few times, later, but little by little, she accepted not only rationally but also emotionally that I didn’t need her to take a shower and wash away her essence for me to want to eat her out. Maybe you can find some similar way to enroll your hubby to get you over this bump. Shock therapy works. I just don’t know what type of chock therapy would help you right now.

      • Anon please

        LickyLissa and Former Dumb Fuck,

        Thank you very much for both of your comments. They helped me a great deal. I think my ex was being a douche, but after showing my husband my post and your responses he was surprised that this still bothered me. He is game for trying some type of ‘shock therapy’. Again, thank you for your support. It’s good to know that I’m not weird for being wet.

  62. Lickylissa

    Hello there and thanks for hearing me out. I’d like to start off by saying I’m a 35 y/o lesbian. All my life I have felt I was born into the wrong body and with that being said I think I’m a little fucked up in the head. I consider myself a soft butch as far as role play, I take on the male role in my relationship. I dress and act more like the male gender and given the money and time, I’d do a complete transformation. Now the reason I say I’m fucked up in the head is due to the fact that I have never had an orgasm due to the fact that I don’t like my body. I don’t like touching myself because I’m lacking the parts I’d rather have. I’ve been with plenty of women (mostly straight making me their only exception), so I’ve always been the giver which I love. I’m fantastic at eating pussy so I have no worries in that department. My partner and I have been together for 12 years and have three kids. I do have a strap-on that when wearing it, I feel like all is right and I feel a sense of power. When I’m fucking her or for that matter anyone with my dick on, that is what gets me wet and gives me a sense of fulfillment but again no orgasm. I have a great imagination and find myself wet a lot of the time just from thinking of a sexual act I have done once; but in the heat of the moment I couldn’t get wet! I’m broken. I’ve always pictured me having an orgasm as a guy so in turn I think my brain won’t allow me to. I do feel fulfillment after sex by getting the women I’m with off. So what can you suggest for me to do? I know this is long and my apologies but I have another story then question. I mentioned I have 3 kids. A 12 year old boy and 20 month old twins. With the twins my partner of 12 years and I have decided we wanted another kid and asked our sons sperm donor if he would donate. Well before the plan could even be attempted to be carried out, my girlfriend had an affair with a man and became pregnant with the twins. I’d of preferred a stranger but this was a friend of ours who’s known as the town dog who fucked up his marriage and has now managed to fuck up my life. She told me the truth about the affair 4 months after the girls were born. I’m still sore and bitter about it but not like I was. I do however have a hard time going down on her because I can still picture his dick sitting at the same restaurant I used to love eating at. Is that normal? Will I ever be able to get past that in time? Because we are at the end of our relationship because I want to fuck other ladies but don’t want to cheat on her. I’m just not into her like I was. Fucking a guy and knowing how I am and feel is the ultimate betrail to me. I’m crushed. Any thoughts?

  63. Anvee

    I just started listening to this podcast and, initially, I loved it. I thought it was refreshingly honest and I love Shara’s want of safety and security. But… I made it to the podcast on homosexuality and was disappointed to find (and there were some indications to this prior) that most of the ideas therein are EXACTLY what our society currently condones. There was what seemed to be an obligatory blip about male bisexuality, but ultimately it was just another person telling women it’s okay to be in a threesome. This idea is not new. This idea is not unique or liberating. I am a bisexual woman. I say that, not because a man can tell me to eat a pussy and I’ll do it enthusiastically (which was what the conversation centered on after a pretty abstract, but appreciated rant on acceptance), but because I am capable of having romantic feelings for women as well as men. Everyone is cool with the idea of me munching carpet… not so much with the idea of me dating a woman. So implying that it’s something purely sexual or less than that was disappointing. This was in addition to, of course, no one ever saying that a dude sucking an occasional dick was a fun or sexy thing to try. Why not? It seems that this podcast is just saying what we already accept, but with some fun terminology. I would love to see some research and some third party participation because this once fun podcast is losing all its credibility for me, and quickly.

    • We make a good faith effort to approach topics from all angles, but a conversation about bisexuality between myself and my bi-female submissive should surprise no one if it centers around female bisexuality. Also, we didn’t start focusing on much of the relationship side of sex until recently when we started receiving many more listener questions to cover. If you recall, “not focusing much on the relationship side of things” was actually a part of the original mission statement.

      I think it’s a leap, though, to put words in our mouths by assuming our opinions must be the opposite of anything we didn’t happen to say. It’s a shame you’ve stopped enjoying the show, but I think you came to the episode you’re referencing with a chip on your shoulder. When we say everyone has the right to fuck and/or love whoever they want regardless of gender, straight or gay or anything in between, you somehow took that to exclude romantic feelings between women. I don’t have a ton to say on male bisexuality because I’m not bi, and I make an effort not to claim knowledge and perspective I don’t have, but again you chose to see a blanket acceptance of the entire spectrum of human sexuality as exclusionary of bisexual guys.

      If there are things you’d like to hear us talk about, feel free to post or email about them. If there are things you’d like to add to any conversation we’ve started, that’s what this website is for and we’re happy to have your opinion because (as I’ve often said) our personal experience doesn’t begin to cover the gamut of human sexuality and we love to see listeners sharing their own experiences and views. Please continue to do so if you’re inspired to, but also, please don’t put words in our mouths.

      • Anvee

        I understand this podcast is your baby and that you spend a lot of time on it, but to defensively claim that I’ve said something false (put words in your mouth) is an unfortunate response. I probably should have posted on iTunes (indirect review) and not on here (direct review) as I suppose I didn’t think you’d respond. I didn’t intend to offend you, but rather to express some disappointment in something I had high hopes for.

        I will say you’re right about the relationship part. You did say that the show wasn’t about that and I must have assumed there would be a deeper discussion on how sexuality impacts that sort of terminology (as in, I know lots of women who will be sexual with women, yet not romantic and therefore do not call themselves bisexual). It was a point I thought worth mentioning.

        Again, I was not attacking nor did I put any words of any sort into the mouths of anyone. I will continue believe that episode erred on the side of everything that is common in society right now. There are chicks humping chicks everywhere you turn, because it’s sexy (although, I’m femme and my partner is crazy butch…that always disappoints people who hear I’m with a woman and “want to watch”) The reason I think it is valid to bring this up is because it is common for you to mention how we live in a sexual dark age. I agree. I feel bad for curious men because they don’t have the outlet I had to experiment. I think future listeners would benefit from hearing the perspective of a bisexual male.

        Anyway, I was trying to make peace here if I came off a little harsh (to be fair, you fired a few rounds back). I just loved this podcast at first… and then started feeling like it was saying all the stuff we already hear (outside of, like I previously mentioned, Shara). For what it’s worth.

        • I’m not offended, and I didn’t intend to give that impression {you develop thick skin pretty quickly as any kind of entertainer). You’re certainly not the first person to take exception to one episode or another, and we don’t censor/delete civilized posts because we really do try to encourage open discourse. By the same token, I don’t like to let it slide when I feel we’re being inaccurately represented.

          I totally agree that bisexual guys get a raw deal all the way around, and that the glamorization of lipstick lesbians and girls kissing girls on the dance floor (to the exclusion of the rest of LGBT women) is part and parcel of the dark age. We encourage everyone to challenge themselves and explore societally unsanctioned territory if it means a larger portion of happiness for themselves, and I think the totality of our work bears that out. We’re actually going to be covering a few topics tied to male bisexuality when we get one or two bi guys as guests in the near future, and that will help round out the viewpoints we can’t effectively cover.

  64. Happy fairy

    JV … Just listened to podcast 012…cunni linguistics.. Re.. The sniff test: yes u are right us women do at times have a case of funk … Hard day at work… Dealing with the kids.. Working out at the gym … Wearing panties all day while shopping ( and yes us girls do love shopping especially for sex toys ) cleansing products ,health reasons , even when Mother Nature calls and menstration is about to happen or is happening (u didn’t cover men that like to go down on his woman even if she has the curse… I once was with a man that couldn’t get enough of me at my time of the month , but thats another story) or even if that pussys had a good poundiing a few hours befor hand and her master / partner , has ordered her not wash!
    Not only do I know sometimes pussys realy do chuck up a stink because I’m a proud owner of a pussy but I also on occasions I myself have has the pleasure of burying my face in a lady garden or two !
    And yes u are right there are descrete ways of as u say Taking the Sniff Test (which had me giggling and blushing all at the same time ) can I make a suggestion , if someone wants to taste those juices , drink from the furry cup ( and yes there are men out there that like hairy pussys… Rare that they are they are out there ) or lick a nice smooth shaven haven , how about taking a nice bath with each other , taking time to to touch each other , soap each other up , and hell yeah tease each other a little , not only does that open up new possibilitys , it also ensures that pussy or cock is clean and smelling fresh ( if it still smells funky there is defo a issue that needs dealing with) .
    Sex in the shower can also b a lot of fun … Soap … Water= clean genitals .
    You also talked about shaving your respective partner , towels , warm bowl of water , and a sharp razor , to trust your playmate to go anywhere near such a sensitive place is a thrill in itself for both party’s whoever is doing the shaving could also take some time washing said area with a cloth ( which I hope they do as soap/ shaving cream can cause itches or rashes even a smell ) this could also ensure that cock or pussy is nice and clean and ready to be made all dirty again .
    So guys and girls there realy isn’t any excuse to give head to one another .. Simply put if its done right , smells good , looks amazing ,put it in your mouth suck and lap to your hearts content for both makes and females can’t get enough of it … jv and shara u got it right if u don’t give head u are a useless fuck!
    I make no apologys for such a long post on the bathroom wall but Going Down is a passion of mine both in giving and receiving I felt a need to share my opinion with u .

  65. Happy fairy

    Just listened to podcast 4 I (know i know I’m a little behind and playing catch up .. )not only do I find your pod casts entertaining they are also educational and inspirational and very funny I find myself laughing out loud when I’m on the bus in the office or even at home while the kids are doing there homework , I must say Iv had some very strange looks from random strangers which only make me squirm a little more with delicious naughty thoughts about how I can put your advice into practice … I look forward to more homework assignments … Smirk.. Blush

  66. Karen R

    I’m not sure if this has been covered or not, I’m only on episode 23. I’m new to the podcast. My husband and I love to have sex during my period, but don’t like the mess. Close to 20 years ago I discovered the ‘Instead soft cup’. Which is the only feminine cup that can be worn during sex. My husband can feel it inside me but it doesn’t bother him. Just thought I’d mention it in case anyone else out there wants mess free fucking during their period. I’ve included a link http://www.softcup.com/


  67. Happy fairy

    Um I new to this …I am bound by the chains of supresion …I want to b bound buy chains and I want to trust someone to take me over .. I’m a strong woman .:, in everyday life I take control … I take care of kids … Household upkeep … Money in money out …. That’s all cool
    With me … Just the way I like it …but what about me little me … I want to b taken over .:: fucked within an inch of my life ..: I want to b a sub … I am in control of every inch of my life other than sex ..

  68. Happy fairy

    Just like to say loving the podcasts discovered u a few days ago on Facebook now im podcast 3 I find myself not only learning new things but smiling at the way u put things across …. Straight to the point hounest and funny ! Look forward to listing to further episodes

  69. mackus

    quick question regarding swinging.

    my wife and i have teased the idea and we have befriended a swinging couple, we feel as if they are “recruiting” us.

    my wife and i are very interested but we don’t know if whether it’s just picking up the idea because we assumed it’s there.

    we feel like they have dropped clues in the past but we wish to not embarrass ourselves by suggesting something if it’s not there.

    also, we smoke weed together as a group, and i had mention to the husband how i wanted to try something but not something addictive or scary, he suggested molly’s aka extacy. and mentioned it’s great for sex, and mentioned soon we will just rent a hotel by the beach….please help.

    • We’ll talk about this on episode 53 :)

      • mackus

        can’t wait, you guys do a great job. it was your podcast that really helped my wife ease on her sex life. she never got a chance to explore when she was in high school. now it’s been 9 years and we’re almost 30 and she always fell back to her default safety mode when it came to our sex life.

    • Silversurfer

      I like the response in episode 53, however I would hesitate to swing with friends. It’s a risky route and many things could go sour. If you are interested in swinging I sugest that you explore it on your own and use your friends as mentors instead… Let us know how it went :)

  70. 60504

    Hi all. What was the lube JV recommended on one of the recent shows? Was it WET Platinum? Thanks

    • We gave a positive review to KY Yours & Mine edible (choc/strawberry), and we also mentioned trying the latest version of Wet Platinum (in the black bottle). Very nice silicone based lube that goes on thin and has good staying power.

  71. Grant

    Hi guys, I am a very normal married guy in a happy family with two kids. I love my wife and am very attracted to women, but have a dark secret….I am secretly bi. I had my first guy experience at the age of 14 and fooled around with my friend on and off for ten years. I also played with a married couple and he was bi and I really enjoyed this. Here is my problem. My wife knows I have been with guys and we have talked about inviting a guy to be with us, but this has gone no where. I really want to experience guy sex again….do you guys have any advise for a married bi guy. Thanks and I love listening to the show.

  72. fang42069

    hey J.V. and Shara
    i have a good friend that can not give head because she had a bad experience and due to that she has ptsd she needs help about giving head btw i am gay. she is afraid to get help but does not know what to do

  73. 60504


    I just found your shows on Stitcher and have listened to a couple of shows. Both were great fun to listen to and I did learn a few new things. I will be going back and listening to the previous shows and keeping up to date with the new.

    As an active sexual male of 55, I would like to suggest the topic of Mature Adult Sex. Items such as staying sexually healthy, how sex is different as our bodies age, how attitudes to sex change as we age, etc. Just a suggestion.

    • That’s a great idea, I need to line up an expert. Thanks :)

    • Smooch688

      This is a fantastic idea!

    • Vivian

      Yes, those of us getting older and still playing have new issues to juggle. After my hysterectomy sex was painful, and not in a good way. My partner has trouble staying hard so we’re finding new toys (penis pump) and chemicals (Viagra, Levitra) which had been off our radar before. I’d enjoy a show that takes the stigma out of “senior sex” and acknowledges that we may be older, but we’re still alive. I welcome ideas!

  74. Squigit

    Hi JV and Shara,
    I would consider myself an enthusiastic girl and I want to try new things sexually. I have mentioned a 3some with my boyfriend of 3 years and he thinks it should be totally taboo. I have told him that I would love to try it, more so with another girl then guy but hey, I’m willing. I don’t no how I can some what convince him or maybe persuade him in this direction. I am almost positive the jealousy factor is a huge contribution to his negative view towards that area. I also took your advice teased him with a blow job if he would agree to let us and he still said no. Either the offer wasn’t tempting or he just really doesn’t want to try. I have only ever been with him and him with me, but I do want to incorporate a 3some just to kinda get to know what’s out there without actually having to leave our relationship or cheat. Any advice on how to be very persuasive? Also, if and it’s a huge IF I can convince him, where do we even start with picking someone? I’m not sure if this is where I am meant to post thing but I want to be heard. I have also emailed you with another more intimate question if you want to take a peep.

  75. Smooch688

    Hello Shara and JV!!
    I couldn’t pass up your invitation to describe what my orgasms feel like. Let’s begin by sharing there are numerous different kinds in all sorts of places! One of my pet peeves, no doubt exaggerated by the sexual darkage, is that women only orgasm from their clits. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. In the vagina, there are a multitude of “g-spots” each producing their own delicious and hot variations of sensations from just inside to waaay deep back and on the top, bottom and around the sides. Add the clit and you have unlimited opportunities for multiple sensations = orgasms. There is no other place that has more nerve endings, therefore, my motto is “for every nerve ending there is the possibility of a unique orgasm, let’s go find them all!”

    My O’s are driven hardly by the fantasy going on in my mind, along with rhythms, pressure, vibration, nipple pinching, mood, environment, music etc. all effecting what my O’s will feel like. One of my favorites begins like an intense “itch” type feeling that builds and begs to be “scratched” – when it is “scratched” that is the time of the most wonderful release and satisfaction – kind of like what you might experience finally reaching that elusive spot in the middle of your back but on a much grander scale. There are small quick ones that “flutter”, there are ones that “tickle” and if you can ride with that intense sensation it becomes a very erotic release. There are ones that feel “bold” that only something “bossy and painful” will surrender. There are ones that are shy and only come out when they decide or I have to coax out. Some are “prickly” and cause me to jump but want to come back and really feel it through. There are ones that release in their “spot” and there are ones that shake my whole body. There are feeling sensations but also visual sensations too. There are bright vibrant colors – each having their own feeling i.e. yellow is soft and mellow, pink is fun and tantalizing, and a “roller coaster” type ride of up and down, twisting and floating and just being. Sometimes it’s not just one spot but my entire vag. canal is radiating hot sensations with each stroke – just laying an entire blanket of O sensations all around me. And then there’s the wetness! It comes in as many variations and amounts as the feelings….. and I find no O is exactly the same. I might find some of them familiar but all are individual and unique. Thanks for asking! I look forward to reading everyone else’s thoughts and descriptions.

    On a side note, the English language really limits me in sharing a perfect description but I think the above comes close.

    Love you guys ~ Smooch

  76. Pink Cheeks

    Thank you! I followed your advice to have an open talk with my partner and ask him to dominate me more fully and his answer was a hearty YES! I’ve been a shy submissive who thought that asking a Dom for more was topping, but your podcast on being an assertive sub has turned things around for me and my Dom. Ooooo he’s calling for me….

  77. Thespian

    I Know I’m posting a lot on here, but this story just ran on our local news channel.


    I have no opinion on the book itsef, having not read it before, but I think the “controversy” surrounding it says a lot about the sexual climate of the north Texas bible belt.
    My personal favorite quote is about halfway through from a bible therapist or some other.

    ‘And sex, she said, is supposed to feel good.

    “The sexual expiriance is designed by God to feel good. If you think that’s what I have to do, all this bondage stuff in order to feel good, that is not true. That is the lie”‘

    Honestly the whole thing reads from this biased prospective. And again, I haven’t read the book so feedback on this article from someone who has would be much appreciated.

    • I probably won’t be reading it. A good friend read it with her book club and her review was not encouraging. Apparently it’s obviously written by an author who doesn’t actually understand BDSM at all and, I quote my friend, “it’s the same sex scene over, and over, and over again.”

      • Dweezil

        I’m a happily married male who started the books before my wife did. She instantly surpassed me in half a day and read all 3 in 9 days.

        My perspective is that it’s a love story between a real live virgin and a master, or between vanilla and chocolate sex. They each only know what they know and slide into learning about each others worlds and feelings with the obvious goofy dramatic sub plots.

        To me it was a nice introduction to BDSM or kink. It made me think about the topic and now look where I am…… Doing my homework and planning our course. If anything it sparked an interest.

        Great podcasts and site.

        Anything on peeing, sleep sex or establishing rules and scheduling of sessions between the players?

  78. Silent J

    Noticed there hasn’t been a new episode in almost 4 months. What gives? This isn’t the end of the end is it?

  79. Thespian

    I have a couple questions that I want to shoot off that have to do with “the art of smoking pole” and “male sexual stamina”
    Every time I give my boyfriend a blowjob he takes forever to finish, and while I’ve told him it gives me lots more time to practice, it’s gotten to the point where his dick will become so sensitive it’s painful for me to keep going. I’m not gonna say I’m the best at it, but I have tried every trick that I have to make sure that he gets off, I even practice deep throating on him, though that still needs some work. But every time we have to stop because it becomes to painful for him. What can I do to make sure my guy gets off quicker/better?

    • xobeht

      Prostate stimulation will assist you. Such as a butt plug. I will produce an orgasm that is both more intense and easier to produce.

  80. MissJennyFur

    This podcast has changed my life!
    I was raised in a Catholic home in the 1980s, when the Church preached that sex was for procreation only and used HIV/AIDS to scapegoat the gay community. As a result, as a bi teen, I was uncomfortable with sensual pleasure and terrified of sex. I had consentual sex only a few times at age 20 before I was raped when I was 21 – and because I blamed myself for what had happened, I told no one and carried that shame everywhere.
    Seven years ago, in my late 30s, I was diagnosed with PTSD after years of denial, avoidance, and dissociation. It was not until I began practicing EMDR therapy with a certified professional and simultaneously listening to your podcast that I was able to truly recover from my trauma and begin to enjoy sex for the first time, at age 38! Now I and my husband of almost two years are actually talking about our fantasies, expanding our toy chest, and having mind-altering orgasms! He even makes me squirt again and again (and again and again and again…), and Shara, I’m so very happy to be part of the squirting club!
    J.V. and Shara, thank you for helping me to escape the sexual dark age, and please keep up the great work!

  81. Aislinn

    Hi. I recently found your podcast (and podcasts in general) and love it! I’m a female submissive and am definitely going to download them to my Master’s ipod as well! I have a question on whether your books are in actual print. I don’t have a kindle or reader and like a real book. Is there anywhere to get them? Thanks! And I’m hoping for some more podcasts too!

  82. Thespian

    Just for Shara’s sake I’m going to say I don’t like the bell :P
    I love this podcast so much, it’s nice to have some honest discussion especially when you’ve grown up in a Baptist household where sex is left unspoken and women “don’t watch porn”. I was reading through some of the old stuff I used to get from church camp on “Female Purity”, and although some of it may be applicable to sexually repressed fourteen year olds, I am glad I am not one of them anymore (both sexually repressed and 14). I remember hating myself for masturbating and thinking I was weird for watching porn at a younger age, especially when the church acted like it was a male-only “struggle.” I first “let myself go” as it were at an anime convention when I was far from the influence of my parents and allowed to be whatever kind of weird I wanted. To anyone out there like I was (young and in need of some relese) A-Kon is a beautiful place.
    I’m glad I can stop hating myself for being the perverted woman I’d always known I’d be. Thank you Shara and J.V.

  83. Mark & Mars

    Thank you..We were turned on to ending the sexual dark age by a good mate of ours ( and swinging partner),we have been able to have the conversations and experiences that have taken both of us to a place of orgasmic ecstasy. We are currently exploring our Bi-ness and the destruction of catholic guilt, we find your podcast a invaluable tool.BDSM,Dom/Sub are being explored(Slowly)yet the conversation has begun.
    Thanks Mate
    Mark &Mars

  84. Cassy

    I am new to this site and trying to play catch up with the podcast/mp3. Unfortunately I am one of those girls who has been shamed about her sexuality and body. I was never made comfortable about having sex and it was all about they guy…blah…blah …blah. That part hasn’t changed much (well I’m becoming a little more assertive now).
    I have a question for anyone that can help with a little vagina self esteem.
    I am clean (have been tested and get regular testing) but have bumps on the outter lips, that just don’t go away. I was told… that they were from shaving (not really ingrown hairs but oil deposits or something). And to get rid attempt to reduce/eliminate them to use a warm/hot compress and gently squeeze them. I haven’t seen any difference and they are really bothersome (make me self conscious).
    Anyone have any similar issue or way of getting rid of them?

    • Ashton

      Hey! I used to have the same problems, and I had to go to a doctor to get an anti-biotic for them (usually you have similar bumps under the arms if it’s the same thing I had…)
      other than that…witch hazel is a quick low-cost “folk” remedy that may or may not work. It’ll dry them out.

    • Laura

      Don’t feel embarrassed – many of us who shave our vaginal area get those bumps. First of all, don’t pick at them or they will get worse. Warm compresses will help to some extent, but the only way to really prevent them is to get yourself professionally waxed and avoid the shaving altogether. Another advantage to waxing is that you are able to go longer before the hair grows back again. Good luck! And don’t be embarrassed about getting waxed – it is mostly women who do the waxing, and they have seen pretty much every variety of pussy known to womankind – they.are just doing a job!

  85. Simon D.

    Me and my girlfriend have listened to and enjoyed thoroughly each one of your podcasts. I wasn’t about to find anything online about what happened to it? I miss looking forward to new sexually enlightening shows.

  86. alice in wonderland

    when are you and shara going to be back? has shara read ‘fifty shades of grey’? and if so, are you going to review it?… it has been a while since the last episode :(

  87. LovingPink

    Where have you gone JV? I want to thank you for all the knowledge and confidence you’ve given me. I hope to get to learn more from you and Shara very soon.


  88. I found this seminar about mental and physical cues of attraction, and thought it was worth sharing. It goes into detail about why certain genres of erotica (Shemale porn, vampire romance, slash fiction, and briefly BDSM) are so popular. Its roughly 50 minutes long.

  89. Cadence

    Loved your story J.V so I thought I’d send you one of mine. Post it, read it, broadcast it. I hope you and Shara enjoy it! If my fantasy makes you wet I did a good job!

    Master’s Lady

    Master pulls into the garage after a long days work with a smile on his face. All day long he’s been thinking about his Lady. He’s spent the whole day thinking of all kinds of things to do to her this weekend, leaving his body with an unsatisfied ache that he plans to take care of soon after he walks in the door.
    She’s waiting for him as soon as he walks in like the good little girl he’s trained her to be. Her smiling face is beautiful to behold but not as nice as when it’s sweating and pinched in the midst of an orgasm. That’s the look he longs to see and plans to see it often over the next few days.
    “Where you good today? Did you do everything I asked?” Master asks as he runs a finger down his Lady’s cheek. He smiles as her eyes close as she leans into his touch.
    “Yes Master.” Her voice comes out in a little pant as he runs his hand over the curve of her breast to gently squeeze a nipple.
    “We’ll see.” He replies before moving his hand up to tightly fist her hair, pulling it back so Lady tips her head. “I want you to go lie on the bed for me like a good girl and I’ll be there in just a minute.” He scrapes his teeth down the slope of her throat, biting the meaty flesh at the base.
    Lady shivers as goose bumps breakout over her entire body. Loving it all the more. “Yes Master.” She gasps out when he releases her, immediately leaving to do his bidding.
    Master smiles even wider as he goes back out to the locked chest in the garage to select the “tools” he wants to use in tonight’s playtime. He pulls out different items putting them all into a small duffle he’s fondly named his bag of tricks. When it’s full of everything he thinks he could possibly need he hefts it up and heads toward the bedroom.
    She’s there, lying on the bed, just as he told her. Naked, eyes closed and already breathing heavily in anticipation of what’s to come. This pleases him all the more. He opens the bag and pulls out the chains. “Give me your hands Lady.” He commands as he fastens the heavy metal links to the posts of the bed.
    Lady holds out her hands palms down so he can grab the loops of the cuffs she always wears on her wrists. It’s one of the house rules after all, cuffs being worn at all times, so he can restrain her as his mood seems fit. The metal is cold as it presses into her skin, adding more fuel to her already burning passion.
    When her arms are secured to each of the posts Master turns back to his bag pulling out a small bullet vibrator and a long silk scarf. “Open your legs.” He orders as he turns of the bullet making it dance in his palm. She does without hesitation and he slips the toy into the cleft of her already glistening sex. “Now close them.”
    He uses the scarf to tie her ankles together and then to the footboard. “I’m going to check to see if you did all your chores and then take a shower. You are not allowed to climax while I’m going, do you understand?”
    Lady nods her head unable to do more too much in her current position and unable to speak as the bullet buzzes happily between her legs. “Good girl.” He leans down to gently kiss her before he slips a blindfold over her eyes leaving her scenes to center more fully on her stimulated core. She whimpers sweetly shivering once again and he can tell she’s having a hard time trying to get her body under control.
    Worked checked, showered, and refreshed the Master reenters the room that holds his Lady. A fine sheen of sweat glistens on her entire body as she wiggles and moans on the bed. Naked, he walks over and runs one finger down the valley between her breasts drawing a line to the very top of her slit. “Come now!”
    She sucks in a breath and trembles, finding it all to easy to comply after what seems like an eternity of denial. The mewing sounds of pleasure coming from her are like music to his ears making more blood rush to his already hardening staff. Eager to continue he unties her feet and moves to fix how he’s chained her hands.
    Master lopes his Lady’s wrists together then secures them to just one of the chains. He likes this positions the best for all the freedom of movement it gives him while still controlling her as much as he needs.
    “Up on your knees.”
    Lady rolls to her belly and pulls herself up as best she can on her wobbly limbs. Butt in the air; propped up on her forearms, she makes a lovely picture. He moves the bullet from between her lips and slips it inside, and then pushes her knees back together. Next she feels the cold slickness of lube against her back ring before the press of the plug as he slowly works it all the way in.


    She jumps as his hand comes down hard on one of the delicate globes of her ass. The first is followed by the next with only a brief pause, each blow rotating back and forth from cheek to cheek until her ass is beet red and hot.
    Her mind is fuzzy from all the different sensations but it centers as she feels something warm and smooth being pressed to her panting lips.
    “Suck it.”
    Lady’s mouth instantly waters as she slides her mouth over the thick head of her Master’s penis. She uses her tongue to wet it thoroughly before pulling it in deeper, bobbing up and down until she’s engulfed the entire length.
    Once she’s worked it all in she stops and waits as Master fists his hand around her hair to set the rhythm he desires. While his other hand reaches over her back to her flaming ass, soothing it gently with a light caress of his fingers.
    “That’s it baby, take it all in.” He pumps his hips back and forth, pushing his meat into her hungry mouth. “Did you enjoy your spanking?”
    Lady hums out a positive reply around all that flesh without breaking stride, the vibrations sending his spikes of pleasure even higher. Master knows if he lets his Lady continue for much longer he won’t be able to keep control himself. He’s taught her too well what pleases him most and tonight she seems to be using ever trick she’s learned.
    He uses her hair to hold her head still for a moment while he catches his breath. “Damn baby, are you trying to make me cum so soon? Another few minutes of that and I would have filled your mouth full.” He reaches down to wipe her face clean before giving her a sweet kiss. “I’m no where near being down with you yet.”
    Master grabs one of her hair ties off the nightstand and twists the mass of red curls into a knot. He lies down on the bed next to her and pulls her body over his with his head buried between her thighs. Stabbing his tongue deep to taste the juices he’s already brought forth from her before gently lapping at her clit.
    Lady moans, unable to help herself. Her Master is merciless with hands, tongue, and teeth driving here closer and closer to another orgasm. She can’t take just lying there taking in what he’s doing to her, it’s to intense, so she pulls herself up as best she can with her hands still chained and wraps her lips back around his fat cock.
    ‘Sixty-nine, what a beautiful number.’ Master thinks to himself as he flicks and licks her quivering pussy. He works two fingers into her, pumping them in and out while his other hand finds the plug and starts pressing it to the rhythm of his fingers.
    It’s all too much and pushes her over the edge. Spasms rock Lady’s body as she cums again for her Master. Rocking on his face as he shakes his head from side to side with his tongue pressed hard on her button, sending her even higher until she finally collapses.
    Master gently moves Lady to her back and smiles as he looms over her. Panting, shivering, and pink from the head to toe blush her pleasure has brought on, she looks lovely. Not wanting her to come down too much he rolls her limp body back to a kneeling position.
    With one fluid motion he slides all the way in to her core making her cry out and arch her back. He can feel the clenching of her muscles around his cock as he grinds his hips before pulling out to slam back again.
    By the sounds that Lady is making Master knows that she’s close to another climax. He pistons his hips forcefully with his hands on her hips trying to keep her in place, his balls tightening as he strives to keep his own load from empting deep with in her.
    Lady’s head drops to the bed as she screams. Her body bucks back against him uncontrollable as she squeezes him tight with her sheath, sending him over the edge and milking him dry.
    Master drops to the bed next to his Lady and pulls her into his arms. He nuzzles his face into the back of her neck and kisses it softly. “What an incredibly good girl I have. I think you deserve one last reward.” He bites down hard as he pinches her nipples, ringing ever drop of energy from her body, making her feel like she has literally melted into the bed.
    “Thank you Master.” Lady whispers, her throat raw from all the noise she’s made.
    “My pleasure, Lady.”

  90. Berlin

    I had my first experience last night with BDSM. . It was amazing. I can’t wait to explore further. He is an older man with much more experience. I’ve been listening to the pod casts and I am about half way through the episodes. What I found last night was I am so used to vanilla sex where in my experience it’s been 50/50 give and take. When I was tied all the attention was on me and my pleasure. It was great but I am wondering if he enjoyed it as much as I did. Don’t get me wrong, he got off. I also felt like since he was in control that I remained quiet and did as I was told, within my limits. As the sub do I have to stay quiet? Can I ask him to touch me certain places and ways like I would in vanilla sex? He made it very clear I could tell him when I wasn’t comfortable and he’d stop, but I was confused if I could make requests of him.

  91. Georgie

    Wondering when the next episode will be available?

  92. BootiliciousBigGurl

    Mr. Altharas, I just wanted to thank you for your podcast and your explanation of the whole or part of the BDSM world to me. My first serious relationship was with someone who was into BDSM and at the time I had NO clue what it all involved. At that time there was no internet so I was limited to learning about it, and to tell you the truth I had no such curiosity to do so. So we had a 3 yr run and needless to say because of my lack of experience and willingness to get into it, the relationship desolved. He never really bothered to try and teach me what it was all about or try to make me understand his needs, so I never pursued it. Regardless, he has now since married and we keep in touch every so often just to see how the other is doing. Years later after going thru a murad of horrible fucks, I discovered the swing lifestyle. I ENJOYED it! It fed my sexual hunger and empowered me. Not to mention gave me a shit load of self confidence in my body image and put me in touch with my sexiness. Btw, I am a very confident and sexy BBW. I had a lot of fun with the whole sex party thingy. Took some trips to vegas for the conventions, got to know a shit load of people, and even hosted some mind blowing parties. I knew how to get a party started and people talked of our parties for days. Just to toot my own horn. But like all good things, it came to an end. Having to deal with the drama of others at the parties, getting involved in their “Vanilla” lifes outside of the parties and what not…NOT the best idea for me. Plus the whole sex thing was becoming VERY boring to me. So I retired myself from the whole swing lifestyle. I was in search of the whole one on one experience. Not finding what I wanted, I decided to just go out, have a good time, and have sex with a few fuck buddies. That was when I realized how boring this Vanilla sex shit is. For me at least. So this is where you come in. I have since read Fifty shades (and loved it) Listened to your podcasts, and decided that I am going to try this whole Dom/Sub thingy. I got my ass on Alt.com and I am currently opening myself to becoming a sub. It turns me on just thinking about it. And I have you to thank. So thank you for explaining it all and allowing me to feel comfortable to ask for what I want and need. I will keep you posted on my adventures. Keep up the great work.

  93. U

    Just wanted to say that your podcasts have been very helpful in getting past my conservative upbringing and exploring my interest in bdsm

  94. Sir ohgee

    I am a male dominant and my pet and I have recently started delving deeper into the bdsm lifestyle, and enjoying every minute of it( I never knew tree were soapy kinksters in Dallas. I find myself very attracted to flogging and just floggers in general, beauty and function all rolled into one but I am at a loss as where to start. There are so many different lengths, styles, materials. Any advice that could point me in the right direction would be appreciated, especially by my pet. Perhaps a demonstration with Shara on air ;) love the show keep up the good work.
    Thanks again, Sir Ohgee

  95. Sir,

    I would just like to express my appreciation for your work with The Sexual Dark Age. I am a US military member currently stationed overseas with a girlfriend (my partner that I will foreseeably end up with) living back stateside. As of the beginning of May 2012, she and I have both started listening to the show and have found the topics of discussion opening up a waterfall of dialog between the two of us creating a deeper sense of intimacy and security in an already difficult relationship (do to the distance).

    For what it is worth, though your show has been out for a while with a slew of avid listeners, I would just like to encourage you to continue with your crusade (apologies for the tactless joke :), I recently finished episode 005 a few weeks ago), because for us newbies, the message is getting out there, it’s sinking in, and truly helping.

    Thank you,

  96. GiaLady

    Hi there,
    I enjoy your podcast. Keep up the good work. May I suggest the Diva cup for those women who would like to have uninterrupted pussy action during their period. Just google Diva cup and the information will pop up. I’ve had some of my greatest orgasms during my period, and I would hate any woman to miss pleasure due to a period.
    There are some men who are stuck in the Dark Ages and in the woo, woo Native Spirit forest who think women are unclean during the menstrual cycle. Oh please educate them. Life is too short to miss out.

  97. RedMojo

    JV and Shara –
    I am not active in the BDSM lifestyle, but have dabbled in the swinger lifestyle. Recently, I have been reading the popular book series “Fifty Shades”. I have been enjoying your podcast and learning about lifestyles I am less familiar with. i would love to hear your comments on the Fifty Shades books. The author claims that she is not active in the BDSM lifestyle and learned everything on the internet. Though a complete work of fiction, how close do the books come to appropriately incorporating BDSM into the story?

    Red of RedMojo

  98. Jack Jones

    Hi JV (and friends),

    I absolutely love the podcast and have listened to it from the very beginning. I also got my fiance to start listening to it and she enjoys it as well. (She always talks about how sexy JV’s voice is too, and says ‘I wonder what he looks like’.) But that’s besides the point, lol.

    I have been with my fiance now for going on two years. In a previous relationship, I was starting to get involved with the swinging/poly lifestyle. I didn’t go into the deep end of the pool yet, but definitely started testing out the waters. That relationship ended badly, and a few months later I met the love of my life, my current fiance.

    My fiance is a beautiful woman, (in fact, she used to be a stripper at a big-city establishment a few years ago), but she has put on a little extra padding after having her last child which makes her feel insecure with herself. I know that inside of her, she is a freak waiting to come out. We have explored bondage play in our “play time” (inspired by your podcast) and enjoyed it thoroughly.

    I want to encourage her to explore the possibilities of ethical non-manogomy with me, and go on this exciting journey together as a couple. I strongly believe that exploring ethical non-manogomy would be a great way to not only have good fun together and meet new friends, but also to solidify what makes our relationship truly awesome – our special emotional and mental connection that no one could ever share with us. I think we would have a ton of fun, if she were to let loose and allow herself to enjoy it. We have briefly talked about it, and she has gone so far to reply to me that she would do it IF she felt secure with herself. She is afraid that if we met someone or a couple, that somehow I would start secretly talking with the other woman and that the other woman would “steal me away from her”. That of course, would never happen. I love my fiance to death and feel that there is nothing that could take me from her – she is the best woman I’ve ever met.

    I know she has been in threesomes and group-related sex in her past (that she doesn’t want to tell me much about, though I ask), but she explains that she didn’t really “care” about those people she involved herself with and that she really “cares” about me, and is scared of losing me.

    One other thing to add into this: I asked her if she would have sex with another man in front of me if I wanted her to. She said “yes, if it pleased you, I would do that.” I asked her if she would have sex with another woman in front of me if I asked her, and I got another “yes, if it pleased you, I would do that and probably enjoy it too.” I asked her if I wanted us to have a threesome with another woman, would she do it. She said “yes, and I’d allow you to do several things to her as long as you did NOT put your dick in her.” Of course, me not being the kind of person that enjoys blowjobs (yes, for real), that didn’t sound very appealing to me, so we haven’t explored this possibility any further since that discussion.

    Here’s my question for you, JV (and anyone else that wishes to chime in on this): What should I do? Am I missing any opportunities I should take advantage of here? Should I be doing something else to help bring out her freaky side to make her enjoy our sex life even more?

    Thanks, and I appreciate your reading. :-)

  99. Frank

    Hello everyone. while listening to episode 30 J.V. asked for tips for the new mom so she can have sex with a kid around. Well My girlfriend has a almost 2 year old girl and they live in a one bedroom and one bath. the way we have kept our sex life going is to wait till the little one is asleep while the tv is on and in her own bed and we just put on a show that covers any noise she makes during. This is just the way we have found to keep things going. Just be sure the child is asleep

  100. race

    Hello J.V. I love your show and have been listening for some time now.
    Me and my wife have been experience with BDSM.
    And having alot of fun I mite add . I want to do a special weekend for her .
    so I though to myself I bet they have a dougen set up that could be rent for the weekend.
    So I got online and I was right but the closest place I found was in Atlanta . I live
    in louisiana . I was wondering if you knew of any adult playspace for rent that is closer ?
    the place I found 1763~A Deviant Place of Decadence is a 10,000 sf dungeon in Atlanta Ga. . looking for something similar .

  101. T&E


    We’re big fans of the show and have suddenly found ourselves in a really difficult situation. Some advice would be appreciated, since we really can’t talk about this with anyone else in our lives.

    We are a happily married couple and had our first swinging experience last fall with a couple that we really clicked with and then became friends with. Btw, it was mind-blowing. In our times together, we have talked a fair bit about ourselves and we think we know them well enough to know that they do not play separately. More to the point, we’re pretty sure she would never go for it.

    Recently, the two of us have been flirting with the idea of a mfm threesome and thought we’d post an ad on craigslist just for fun to see if we could actually find the ideal candidate.

    In the midst of the 100 responses we got was one reply from the male half of our friends (we knew it was him because of the pictures). He was using a different name and different email address. Worst of all, we asked for a v-safe guy in the ad and he claimed he was – and we know he’s not. They’re thinking of having kids soon!

    Where do we begin? First of all, we don’t know if she knows about this or not? Maybe she does and they just didn’t tell us they play separately for whatever reason. But if that’s the case, they’re not being upfront, and that has ‘safety’ implications. Not to mention, he lied about being v-safe.

    But most likely, she does not know. We want to tell her because we feel it’s the right thing to do, but who are we to meddle in another couple’s life? But how can we not say anything? Either way, we’re put off and can never play with them again unless all is explained somehow. We can’t just stop seeing them and not say why.

    Ultimately, we’re just really disappointed and feeling like such a great friendship with so much potential is ruined.

    This sucks.

  102. reasontofight

    hey…i’m curious about how someone would get into the “phone sex” business on their own. or maybe someone has info about other ways to actually make a living via web/phone activity (legal of course!)

    the industry has always intrigued me and i’d love to hear from others who are/have been involved. down sides? issues? whatever you can offer would be appreciated !

    take care, play safe

    • shara

      Finally playing catch up and saw this and it has always intrigued me as well. Not to mention that I have made men cum from having phone sex with me. They say part of it’s my voice. I believe if you are good at something you should turn it into an income…lol.

  103. Dawn

    I have a question and I am not sure where else to ask or look for the answer and if this was asked already I apologize. First of all I am in a relationship with this new guy and we just started having sex. It is fabulous and pretty close to the best I have had. My question is he is a very large man I mean not in length he is good sized there but in width (I guess that is what to call it). I have a hard time or at all giving him oral sex. I want to but it is a matter of just can’t physically. I am not sure what to do is there other ways to get around this issue? I have never come across this issue in the past. Please help. I have no problem asking him his opinion but if I can find out some nice little trick (s) that would be great.


    • Cadence

      My husband is like that too. At first it was hard but I like sucking dick so I kept trying different ways until we found something that worked. I’d fist his cock and just suck the head and as much of the rest of him I could get in my mouth. Little by little I could fit more in and he appreciated the effort. I’m sure if you explain it to your boyfriend number one he’ll be please by the complement and number two he’ll be only too willing to suggests things you can do. Be open to asking him how other girls have done it in the past but done take offence when he tells you. Remember he is with you now not them and whatever you can do to please him counts in YOUR favor.

  104. Zer0

    I just started listening to the podcast this morning, and it inspired a nice little session this evening – a surprise on his end which sent him off to dreamland swiftly ;-)

  105. reader

    Just curious if the cover of Lady of the Drake bears any resemblances to J.V. and Shara?….an inquiring mind wants to know!

  106. Linda

    With my older 2 kids (19 and 16) our sex talk usually consisted of the standard birds and bees. I took it a step farther and after the safe sex talk went into respecting your partner. My husband and I really hit home on that. We also discussed with them about being “emotionally” ready for taking the big step of having sex as 1 of the kids was clearly not ready for that. This was the now 19 year old, but at the time was 16. Their father and I didn’t get into the “mechanics” of it because frankly the kids seemed more uncomfortable about the discussion then we did. We ended up leaving it up to them to approach us with questions. We tried to establish a “safe place” to discuss this with them and explained that Dad and I had been there and done that and would help answer any questions if we could. With the 2 younger ones I’m wondering if I should use a different take on this. The older 2 seemed so “bothered’ more than anything and later confessed “it’s just too weird to heard you and Dad talk to us about sex we dont’ want to think about you guys having sex”. Naturally I replied,”duh how do you think you got here” So if anyone has any suggestions just pass them this way. We have time the younger 2 are 6 and 9….sigh. It goes so fast, adn soon it will be their turn for the sex talks.

    Heard you guys on Life on the Swingset and gave you a download and love it so far. I’m up to episode 11.

    Take care

    • AliKat

      As a child therapist the “sex” talk needs to start when they realize what they have in the bath or shower and start exploring. Using medical terms, talking about privacy, talking about good and bad touch are all forms of the sex talk. If you make a safe place right now it won’t be so weird when they are older. Answering questions in an age appropriate way as they come up and using other people’s shameless public affection as teaching moments. Get them books from the kids section of the library and be openly affectionate with your husband in front of them so it seems so natural that thinking about mom and dad having sex is second nature. The best way to make them comfortable is by showing them what a true happy relationship is so there will be no questions about what a good relationship is. Also, teaching them about touching themselves and where it is appropriate will also be helpful. They will be doing it anyway but they need to know that it is ok and healthy to do so. Biggest thing is to start now because other kids with older siblings will educate your kid in a way you may not approve of with porn or other crazy mythical fiction.

      • Ginger

        I do most of these things with my sons (11,9,6,6). Their dad was sexually abused by his father & we have had to talk to our kids from a very early age about these things (good/bad touch, etc).

        But, what if I don’t have a husband? I do have a significant other, but he’s [still in the dark age] in front of his girls (3, 2). And we don’t have all 6 kids together very often. How can I reinforce to my boys that toching and being affectionate is ok? I’m very open & honest with my boys about sexuality, even when it makes my SO uncomfortable.

  107. Rojo

    I am 20, living in Salt Lake City, sort-of dating a 17-year old in South Carolina. I just turned 20, she won’t turn 18 until this upcoming August. We have known each other since about the middle of last October.

    She and I are super close, have a ton in common, and have never connected with another person like this before. We mainly talk via text, phone calls, and skype.

    I have no problems with my exes, though she has an ex she dated for 3 years, only to break up because he wanted to marry her before he left for the marines. He is either a year older than I am, or 2. I can’t remember. In addition, she has also had other relationships with guys a couple years older than she is, meaning she is very mature and can handle dating guys older than she is.

    She has told me that she still loves him, the marine, though claims that he is just an ex, but is very excited to spend some time with him once he gets back this August from overseas.

    Tonight, she just told me that she had sex with another guy. Not the marine. Just some guy that she’s been friends with/sort of known for a while, but has never been with him one-on-one until tonight. She said that she did not even expect to kiss him at all, but she said that she can see herself falling for him even though she assures me that won’t happen, and I believe her.

    Now, I am feeling sort of betrayed. I am the type of guy that, when I fall for someone, I am solely dedicated to that one person. And, when she told me things things about the guy that she had sex tonight, whom i hadn’t heard of until she just told me that she had sex with him, as well as the fact that she still loves the mean, I get mixed messages.

    I am completely open to loving more than one person. Though it is hard for me to do, I completely understand people loving more than one person intimately. Also, she and I are big into the “touching”, and we have to have physical contact, though I am willing to not do that for the other person if they are far enough away.

    But, she obviously has no problem having intimacy and physical contact with other people. And if it makes her happy, I think she should do it. But, I feel betrayed in a way, emotionally awful. That even though I know she and I have never felt this way about anyone before, she can still do intimate acts with other people. And I’m not about to tell her what she can or can not do, because we’ve only been dating, and we’re over 2000 miles away from each other physically, though we’re really really close mentally and emotionally. I know we both love each other, but I feel like her loving and doing these things with other guys, especially this guy out of the blue depreciates her love for me, even though logically I know she still loves me like she always has.

    Is this normal? Should I feel this way? What should be done about this, if anything?

  108. IrisBlack

    I don’t see an episode addressing squirting. As a woman who is capable of and enjoys this, I would love to hear a man’s perspective on it . . . Shara’s too, of course. So far, I have only been able to achieve it during masturbation (alone, by myself, no one elsr within earshot or squirtshot) because I’m more than a little self-conscious about it. Thoughts?
    Also, love the podcast!

    • Grace

      I just listened to an old one where they touched on it. It’s #9. I believe they also mention it in #8, the Sex Toys episode.

  109. Muselyone

    Just started the podcasts and am loving the information. I wasn’t the most sexually active and adventurous in my younger years but this as been helping out. Dunno if this get’s covered in the listener mail or has been in one of the main posts but I’m in need of some advice.
    I’m sort of involved with this girl who’s last relationship with a guy was abusive and ended in rape. This puts me in a difficult position when I want to try some of the advice of taking charge or being a little more sexually forward and spontaneous because I know that really works for me. I’ve done my homework in giving without getting at times to give the message that it’s okay for her to receive and that I don’t mean to use her as a throwaway fuck-toy. I’ve tried approaching the subject of boundaries and what’s okay but it’s understandably hard to talk about for her. We still enjoy enjoy sex together, I just feel it could be better if I didn’t have to do the slow build up and get her to make a move to put her at ease. Is there already a podcast that covers abuse? Or maybe some area on the site I should be looking?

  110. Shykitty

    It’s Shykitty again. Had a toy question. I have this silicone dildo with suction cup (that won’t stick to the wall…). It is an eight incher I believe and I’ve had it for a while. I haven’t used it much and there is a good reason for it. Every time I use this particular toy, I end up hurting myself. It’s not the size; I take that just fine with enough lube. The problem is, as I start to get into my play time, the toy starts to hurt me, much like… well, what one would imagine putting Icy Hot up there in your girl parts would feel like. Some of the time, I’m so into getting off that I ignore the uncomfortable feeling. Other times, I have to stop.

    Either way, after I’m done with play time, I have to wash out my girl parts because the uncomfortableness turns into pain. I have to run water to get all the lube out and the cool water helps. However, even 10 minutes after rinsing out, I’m still in pain. I don’t understand why this is as I know I’m not allergic to silicone (I’ve used other silicone toys before without problem) and I know that I’m okay with the lube (Astroglide). Any ideas on what could be up with this cursed toy? I want to like it so much but it just doesn’t like me.

    • AliKat

      Are you using silicone based or hybrid lube with it? Also, toys are like toothbrushes, you can’t keep them forever. They degrade over time and can cause issues. I put condoms on all my toys for just that reason. If your toy has any smell then it is not safe. If it is the sweet smell or even the smell of you then it is time to let it rest in peace. It is porous and grows bacteria deep down where you cant scrub, again why using a condom on all your toys helps. It keeps it safer and helps it last longer. Your body is telling you something, throw this thing out!!! Go with glass, stainless, or something else and make sure you NEVER use anything silicone on silicone.

  111. S

    I need some advice. My boyfriend is a great guy, really sweet and we get along well. The issue is: his bedroom skills are not very great, and our sexlife is basically nonexistent at this time. He is willing to listen to instructions, but I find it very awkward and it kills the mood for me to be his instructor for Sex 101. Granted, I am spoiled by having had a few really expert lovers, while he is divorced from a decades-long sexless marriage where both partners where virgins when they married. Help! I really want to keep this relationship going, but my pussy is starving for attention.

    • Y

      Introduce him to JV’s podcast!

    • AliKat

      Don’t instruct him like it is a remedial class, tell him like a Domme. Instead of, “ok now, here is my clit, I need you to stroke at medium speed while licking my nipple.” Tell him like, “OOoooh baby, you know what I like, lick my nipples, yeah like that. You want me to get hot baby? Now touch my clit, softer, yeah like that. Yeah, you know I like it when you grab my ass, grab it now like a good boy. Mmmmm. yeah like that.” Make it sexy. Or pretend like you are a virgin, do some role play, he is your dirty master. Tell him to make you his slave and tell you what to do. This way he can tell you things he may have been to weary to say before because he didnt know how to ask. Role playing is a good way to make everything safe, just have a safe word he and you can use if things go too far. Something obscure like Edison. Good luck!!!

    • Considering what you’ve said about his current skill level, I think the best thing to do would be having him start at Episode 1 and make sure you guys do all the homework ;)

    • Cadence

      My husband was a minute man and use to think foreplay was a fairy tail. Someone suggested to me that I write him a sexy story playing out everything I wanted him to do to me. Not only would it give him step by step instructions on how to please me, in a non embarrassing way, but it also turn him on. Plus he could go back to reference from it at any time. It worked and I’m still writing them when I want to try something new!!

  112. Kilgore

    I am a straight female and just got into my first kinky relationship (dom/sub). I really love being submissive and am stoked to finally have a partner that is interesting and fun in bed. The other day he said that he wanted to punish me, but that I hadn’t done anything to deserve it. I told him I didn’t understand what he was asking for and he recommended I watch some porn. I surfed kink.com for a bit, but am still pretty clueless. I plan on talking to him again and getting a more specific place to research, but do you guys have any recommendations?

    • AliKat

      Not sure where to research but from personal experience any little thing will do. If my guy says, go feed the dogs, I can stomp my foot and say no! Uh oh, I have been a bad girl and now I get a punishment. Or during sex he can try to kiss me and I can turn my head, UH OH!! I’m in big trouble, I have been naughty, time for my punishment. You get the picture.

  113. Shykitty

    Hi J.V., Shara,

    I was interested in what your opinions were on the escort industry, webcam modelling, and other adult jobs? I’ll be honest, I happen to take part in several different positions in the adult industry and have experienced many reactions to the fact.

    I happen to be very open sexually and in regards to the adult industry, but I have experienced open repulsion from people when I mention I cam for a living. Family reaction is varied from being okay with it to certain members believing I’ll be killed in my bed some day in the near future.

    Do you believe that escorting, webcamming, taking porn videos or photos, and other similar jobs are something to be proud of or something that one shouldn’t talk about in public?

  114. brainscrambled

    i think i’m into bdsm but i never actually tried it

    the problem is that i am not only into consensual bondage, but i also enjoy the thought of fucking a tied up woman against her will.

    now i am afraid that if i ever were to actually engage in this kind of activity, i might not be able to control my urges and might do something she really DOESNT enjoy… if you know what i mean..

    on the other hand – ive heard about bdsm couples that endulge (is that the word? sorry im not a native speaker and too lazy to look it up right now even though writing this probably takes a hell of a lot more time) in something called “r*pe fantasies”
    im not really sure if this isnt considered edge play though

    should i really practice bdsm if i am very turned on by the thought of someone getting… you know… ?
    what if my dick isnt properly demoted?

    • AliKat

      Yes, it is edge play and you need to be with someone that is ok with it. You need to teach your dick about a safe word and stop immediately. Your motivation to stop is easy, possible criminal charges. Rape play is awesome, exciting, erotic, etc. I love it personally but some others find it repulsive. Best way to find out is act dumb and see if your partner is into it. Don’t come out and ask, hey can we play out a rape fantasy? Say something like, “Hey I heard about this thing online where people play out rapes or kidnapping during sex. What do you think about that?” Do this with a vague expression and without telling that this is a huge fantasy you want to indulge in. See how she reacts. If it is with complete horror, drop it, if it is with curiosity or acceptance, start the conversation about trying it out.

  115. herman_the_german

    sometimes my dick gets so hard that it starts to hurt from the erection alone. is that a common phenomenon? or is that bad?

    (sorry if this has already been talked about, i just got into this podcast – a friend recommended it to me)

    • AliKat

      If you are circumcised there could be a skin flap. Go to a urologist, they can snip it and relieve the pain. Very simple procedure. Kind of like the flap under your tongue. It is very common with circumcised men since you are not full sized when it is done. The way it heals can be wrong for your adult size. Some people’s actually snap during rough sex and the amount of blood can be traumatic. Go to the doc.

    • Does the pain continue after you get off, or is this something that only happens with random hardons you can’t do anything about?

  116. Faye D.

    Dear J.V. And Shara,

    I recently have started dating a new guy, but because I’ve had a fairly recent breakup and he is relatively inexperienced we have decided to take things slow. As such, I found it a little difficult to broach some of my less vanilla sexual intrests with him,unsure of how he’ll take it. That is, until I re-listened to BDSM basics part 1. You kept repeating that sex is “your fucking bowl of ice cream” and we can put any toppings we wanted on it.

    The next time he came over, I had a mini sundae bar ready, and told him each topping represented a sexual act you were interested it. Well, that lead to some really interesting ice cream combos, great laughs, and most importantly, a really great conversation of our interests and soft and hard limits. We have had great open communication so far, but this little game really helped up it a notch or two.

    Also, we tried the sensual message you mentioned in one of the listener advice episodes, and let me tell you, it was fantastic! Not only did I learn more about his turn ons than words can say and get the BEST message of my life, but I found I had completely under estimated my new man. He turned the tables on me, and I was the one who ended up putty in HIS hands, not the other way around as I had anticipated.

    Altogether, we had a GREAT time, and found out a lot more about each other. Thanks for the wonderful advice and can’t wait for the next episode.

  117. Joe Hill

    You’ve been out for a really long time. Can you say why?

    Plus: this may be just my own kink, but I love to hear you use Shara in some way; spanking, spanking with some kind of dildo or masturbation, caning the ass or the tits, etc. Very very hot. Can we get more of this, since it sounds as though both of you are enjoying it?

    Thank you for all you bring to the party. More episodes please.

    • Working 7 days a week and no energy for anything but sleep and sex. There’s a new episode coming next week, and I’ll be happy to provide more on-air spankings and molestation =D

      • New listener

        Thank god! My wife and I started listening just after the last episode was posted and have both listened through every single past episode. This podcast has improved our sex live tremendously! Glad to hear more is in the works!

  118. Tigerlilly

    I am enjoying your show very much kind sir,
    So you know most women can’t orgasm from just sex, (dick in pussy.) But I have heard from other shows, podcasts, that you can re-train your pussy to orgasm from sex by using your kegals muscles. By squeezing them around your partners cock while you are having sex. If this is indeed fact I would like to know, cause it would be nice to get off with out having a toy buzzing or a hand rubbing!

    • Faye D.

      I’ve tried both squeezing the penis while inside and improving my kegel muscles. Improving the muscles help, but I’ve found squeezing the cock during sex (at least for me) doesn’t really help. Also, I don’t think you can re-train a pussy to orgasm from vaginal sex since it didn’t orgasm from it in the first place.

  119. Jinxx

    JV and Shara,
    I have been listening since the beginning but have never gained the courage to comment or speak up until now. I’m a bisexual switch with my long time playmate, who’s a guy. I do find myself attracted to men more than women but I find myself wanting to be with a woman more and more as time goes on. I am trying to open my boyfriend up to the possibilities of an open relationship. I found this girl that I’m really in to and I’d like to expiriment some with her. You’d think my boyfriend would be exctati. About my wanting to be with another woman but he’s being resilient on the matter. So my question for you is this: how do I get my boyfriend to open up to the idea of open relationships? I have tried so many different ways to pursuade him Into letting me see this girl but I think he still considers it cheating for me to have a physical relationship outside of our won. Help!

    Keep up the amazing work you do :) we all love you guys for it,

    • curiouskity


      Well I have a couple ideas that could possibily help you out. Things can get complicated when you want to go experience someone else and try for an open relationship. It sounds as if your boyfriend is scared. Normally people don’t think the guy could be scared and would rather be more excited about the prospect of his girlfriend playing with another women. It isn’t always the case. No matter what relationship the most important thing is communication. Sometimes it takes a bit of work to find out what the true reason is for someone feeling a certain way. So there will have to be a lot of talking between you and your boyfriend regarding this situation.

      One idea would be for you, him and this other women to go have coffee together. So he can meet her, get to know her and maybe once he does than he will be less nervous about you doing things with her. You all hang out together a few times so he can get comfortable around her.

      There may need to be some boundaries set from him so that he feels comfortable. Some expamles that I mean are like you can’t do certain posotions, or you can’t stay overnight with her etc. It all depends on the person.

      You and your boyfreind may have to take small steps toward you doing things with this women. It will take time but in the end when he feels safe and alright, and you two are on the same page the waiting and the time will have been worth it. It is good to not push things, just talk a lot with him. Try not to get to fustrated with him because you want to do it now and he isn’t ready.

      I hope things work out well for you and him and that you get to have the experience you want. It may take some time but it will be well worth it in the end if you just have patience, communicate a lot and support each other.

  120. Diana

    Hi J.V. I know how you love stats so maybe you could help me with this. I’ve heard a lot of people say the reason I like being a sub is because I was sexually abused as a child. I don’t know if that’s why I like it or not and it doesn’t really matter because I am who I am…but I’m wondering if there is any truth to that. Do you have a stat for the number of people in the lifestyle as subs (or Doms for that matter) who were abused as children or anything that shows a correlation between the two?

    Love your podcast and I have listened to every one, usually more than once. :)Would love to get to know you and Shara more “intimately”. LOL Ding!

    • curiouskity

      Sometimes I feel the same way on why I’m a sub. My boyfriend, who is very supportive and loves me, has told me that it isn’t true (that I enjoy being a sub because I was sexually abused as a child). I try to listen / believe him instead becuase it sounds much nicer than any stat. It helps me feel more loved to hear that from him than listen to some number.

  121. Abi

    Hello bathroom wall, hello JV and Shara. I really love your podcast, and as an aside, you’ve broken some of the stereotypes I used to have regarding “people like you.”

    So, here’s a dilemma that I haven’t heard yet on your podcast but is plaguing my relationship. I am turned on by the fantasy of my boyfriend having sex with other women. This is all good to a certain extent, but we’re having trouble defining what this limit should be. For me, I would like him to fuck me while watching porn or talking out his fantasies about other women. But he says that if he does that,he’ll want to have sex with other women. And he’s turned on by the idea of doing that, fucking some other woman once or twice alone then bringing her back to our place so we all fuck together. Part of me thinks, well. Ok. Maybe the intensity of that will really really open me up past what I’m already open to, which is a lot. But part of me thinks, even doing this once could sit in my brain, torture me, and lead to a break-up down the line. So is this a boundary I want to test by doing once?

    And please, anyone comment. I’m desperate for any examples.

    Thanks 1 million.

    • curiouskity


      Well I have a few thoughts on this. I am a bisexual women that enjoys having a boyfriend and a girlfriend. We have threesomes and we each have sexual incounters on our own. To get to where we are today took a lot of work that wasn’t easy. My boyfriend never pressured me into anything. He let me go at the speed at which I was most comfortable with because if you push to fast than what you can take, it won’t end well.

      We started off with having sex while watching porn and him telling me about his fantasies regarding other women, as I told him mine. This was a very good idea and helped a lot. What I would sometimes do is imagine in my mind my boyfreind having sex with another women alone. I would picture it all and notice how i reacted to things. If it hurt to much for me to imagine him even holding another women intamately then I knew I wasn’t ready yet for that.

      You say your boyfriend dosn’t want to tell you his fantasies cause then he will want to do them, doesn’t sound right. To me it sounds like he won’t take the steps you need to feel comfortable because he just wants it now. It comes down to communicaiton and give and take. He should try to tell you his fantasies so that you can know what he wants and you can see how you feel. I don’t think it is a great idea to just jump on doing anything right away without you feeling safe and okay with it. When the time comes to doing it, it wn’t be easy but if you feel secure, and safe it will help.

      Don’t push yourself to fast just because he wants something now. Do it at your own pace and he should try and support you. Because even if it takes some time in the end it will be worth it because you two did it together.

  122. Leigh

    Hi J.V and Shara! I love your podcast and find myself anxiously awaiting the next one to come out :)

    I have a dilema. I’ve been with a great guy for 5 months and we hit it off in every single way. The sex is amazing and I find myself trusting him and doing things with him that I have never done with previous partners. The one down fall….he can’t orgasm. I have a feeling it’s because he was single for a long time before he met me and might have gotten used to pleasuring himself….if that’s possible. I also think he might beable to have an orgasm if we do anal. (we are working on this as I have never done it before and he really seems to be into it). He will make sure I orgasm multiple times, he’s very giving but I end up feeling guilty about it because I feel like I can’t give him what he needs in return. I would love to have him finally let loose, but I just don’t know how to get that to happen. Any ideas how I can approach this subject without him feeling immasculated or put on the spot? I would screw his brains out in public if that’s what it took for his to orgasm!!

    Any help you could provide would be awesome.

    Thanks! :)

    • Medical Advisor

      First You are NOT a failure because he doesn’t cum.
      IT is NOT your responsibility to MAKE him cum. Each of us has a responsibility for our own pleasure.
      sometimes it is less work to “just do it yourself” but seldom is self pleasure a preventer of assisted orgasms.

      Communication is the key ingredient. From re reading your note it seems you have not really asked him about the lack of orgasms. A safe approach may be to say something like: I really love all the orgasms you help me enjoy. I’d like to drive you just as crazy with orgasms what works for you.

      Some times delayed orgasms are organic and a Urology consult may be needed. Some medications will delay or prevent orgasms.A visit to a health provider may help sort out the reasons.

      I hope this is helpful

  123. Peaches

    Hi J.V. And Shara,
    First I want to say is I love your podcast (I am a new listener as I only found it a month ago, but have already listened to ALL EPISODES). You have some great advice and tips! I have been with my husband for 9 years now and married for just over 2. We love each other and have a good sex life. I can’t say it’s great because there can definitely be some improvements but it’s good. We use toys, modest restraints and porn quite regularly which is great… My question is: I am realizing that I like being dominated (tied up, slight pain play (my nipples flicked and pinched, spanked) and I have told my husband on more than one occasion that I love when he ties me up and makes me do things when I really have no control. He knows I like it because I moan and get really wet when he does… How do I get him to do this more often without having to ask for it?

  124. Anaana

    last year I met the “dom of my life”and moved to his country to be with him. We have had sex once or more times a day since I moved here, and it’s great. Recently I have learned to have internal orgasms, which have blown open my mind and body.

    But I am tall and thin, and he is a bit (not much) shorter and has basically never exercised in his life. He likes to lay back and have his dick sucked, which I love doing, but after the millionth time I am really craving other positions where I’m not over him like a spider while he lays back in his lazy position. We vary sometimes, but this is the staple. Sometimes it annoys me and pulls me back from being turned on. I try to explain this to him, but I think as my dom he doesn’t really feel like he needs to change it up.

    Also, he doesn’t try to make me come every time we have sex. I don’t take all that long to come, and now that I’ve had a couple of internal orgasms I guess I would expect he would want me to come every time.

    AND on top of that all, I’d really like him to be more aggressive and demanding of me.

    So, I guess this is all leading up to my question: how can I get him excited to discuss these things and make some changes? Sometimes when I try I feel like I’m stuck in that traditional role of “woman trying to get her man to communicate,” which sucks. I’ve introduced him to your podcast but he hasn’t given it a real listen. If there are any episodes that talk about this I would love to be pointed in the right direction. Any advice appreciated.

  125. Licker

    Hi JV and Shara
    I posted this back in February

    “do you like cream-pies and are you going to touch on this subject on your brilliant show?”

    I was just wondering when you will be covering this as its very popular on line and it must be something that you come face to face with (so to speak)in a MMF fuck session.
    ps i was only the second person to post on your confessions Bord.
    Love the show and keep ringing the bell!

  126. lee

    so my partner & i have had sex numerous times and they’ve been great. The issue is that I can’t seem 2 orgasm, he does everything right to me and it all feels amazing but it’s like ill get right to the edge and then just stop. I sometimes get off but don’t really. Sometimes it feels amazing and i feel like im about 2 explode but then i feel like im about 2 pee and tell him to stop. Ive heard this is just sign of about to orgasm but then i run to the bathroom and its like a waterfall. Is there something wrong with me or what? i really need help to figuring out whats wrong or telling him what he needs to do.

  127. Faye D.

    How much trust is too much?

    I ask because I just ended a long term relationship because of trust issues. It was a May/December relationship, and I had known the man five years before entering the relationship. We really clicked and I gave him my complete trust, never really questioning things like his odd work schedule.

    We broke up because he had lied to me about having an account on a social website. It turns out he had been hitting on women on the website. What pushed me over the edge wasn’t the fact that he had the website, or even that he was soliciting women on it. I just couldn’t believe that he had the audacity to LIE in my face about it, then show me all his activities and say “its nothing to worry about. None of these women has written me back.” This man has repeatedly given me a hard time for so much as blinking in another man’s direction. I used to think that it was his insecurities from being with a younger woman. Now I know that he was projecting his fears and shame of cheating on me.

    This is not the first time a partner has abused the trust I gave them, but for it to happen with a man I’ve known for almost a decade has really shaken me.

    Clearly, my own methods of gauging a lover (which really just boils down to talking to them extensively, now that I think about it) are not working. How much trust should you give a new lover?
    Should you call it quits the first time that trust is weakened?
    Despite recognizing him as an unrepentant man-child, I wanted to preserve the friendship. I hung out with him at his house and found myself looking through his things when he left me alone. I have never done this in any relationship before and finally realize I can’t even hang out with him anymore because the trust I gave him has been abused beyond repair.

  128. Chase

    This is my first time listening to your podcast and I would have to say that I personally enjoy them. Even my sisters have enjoyed them after they found them on my Ipod…it all ended up with some very open and interesting conversations that most of my friends, and even my sisters did not know I talked about so openly because they always thought of me as the baby sister that would always be to young to know about sex. Sad to say around where I live its hard to find anyone that is really open about anything sexual because we live in the bible belt and any talk is looked down at.

  129. Carrie

    After listening to your podcasts I would say that you are a man who LOVES women, not just certain parts, the whole package. That’s why you seem like a good person to turn to with this problem. I have two sons (young teens) who have discovered porn on the internet. It is against the rules for them to view this at home, but I am realistic and know they will search for it and find it elsewhere.
    Beyond it being illegal for them to view porn, I am struggling to explain to them why it is OK for adults and not for young teens. I have said that it reduces women to body parts, which might then be the way they approach women when they do become sexually active. I would apprecaite any thoughts you would have on this subject. As you have said on your podcast, they are getting lots of stimulation, but no real information. They know about insert tab A into slot B, it’s the rest that is hard to explain to a young man.

  130. Faye D.

    For my second experience with Duo-Tone balls, I wore them for seven hours at work. I still didn’t orgasm, but it was nice to feel them rolling around. Kept my mood up a bit on an especially busy day. When I finally pulled them out, my pussy felt so tight and tingly, that I had an extra pep in my step for hours. They don’t do it for me sexually, but it was a nice experience.

    • Mark

      Faye – Did the DuoTones ‘light your fire’ at all? A couple years ago I bought SmartBalls (FunFactory) for my wife. She inserted them during dinner (out), and left them in until we got home. We had previously decided that we would that night put to work the reading she’d done on female ejaculation. I firmly believe the SmartBalls primed her so that our first experiments were VERY successful.

      Even if you don’t want to ejaculate, perhaps the DuoTones could lead to GSpot orgasms?

  131. blueroo

    Have only just found the podcast and I love it! So far I have listened to the first dozen episodes and I’m hooked. Thank so much for sharing and giving us great information. I love to laugh and have been doing plenty of it while listening to your show. Have posted a review on Itunes as requested, hope it helps

  132. Jim

    I don’t know if this is the best place to post this, but it is, I think, quite on topic, so, here I go. But first a little back story.

    My father had a psychopathic vision of sex and relationships. With this I mean, he was emotionally uninvolved with his partners, he was egotistical, deceptive, he lacked empathy, and honestly, I saw him show more remorse for getting in a small fender bender in my first car, than when he got pregnant his twenty year-old sister in law (not my mom’s sister, though!). During his lifetime he went through five wives, a similar number of “long term relations” (read, they lasted more than a year), a surprising number of regular booty calls, some of them barely legal, and barely older than me. I may consider myself sex-positive, but I for sure do not condone the unethical way he behaved.

    ON THE OTHER HAND! I received the best at home sex education of anyone I know… with maybe just one single exception (but that girl’s mom was a very sex positive sex educator anyway!). My dad started having sex talks with me when I was about 12 years old. Even with my mom breathing on his neck (back then my mom was VERY conservative), he manage to get some interesting conversations at least twice a year, with me. And when at 16 I moved in with him, I got the full time course. Filtering his ethics out, his sexual advise he gave me, quite explicit, was wonderful. Through porn stills, he showed me how to find the clit (yep JV, he did! I am that weird case). And I think the first time I gave head to a girl, I did a great job for a novice. And the best generic advice my dad ever gave me: “There is no creature more grateful in this world than a sexually satisfied woman.” I’ve found the advice to be quite true.

    Now, ending the back story, the problem I have is this: My dad passed away over five years ago. With his last wife he got two children, 17 and 18 years older than me. I am flying home for an extended visit in December. I haven’t seen them in over two years. The older will be 14 in December, and the younger will be 13 in February. Their mother never remarried, they don’t have uncles on their mother side, and on my dad’s side, there are two uncles, neither of which I feel are good at talking about sex without being obnoxious… mostly trying to play it cool. To make matter worse, although their mother is over all a good hearted woman, she is conservative, very poorly educated (She dropped out of high school in 9th grade… and my dad was an Engineer from Berkeley! Never understood his choices either), so, I am fairly sure her sex talks are on the sexual dark age style.

    SO, I have been thinking that I am probably the designated lecturer for the birds and the bees talk. But I am not a parent myself. I am a university professor, and not in sexuality. The last time I talk about sex with someone under 21, I think I was under 21 myself. HELP!

    If any parents out there have any resources about how to approach the topic, it would be appreciated. Take into consideration that although they are my brothers, I have lived over fifteen hundred miles away for almost nine years, and my visits are scarce. So, I have to also break the ice a bit.

    Thanks for any help.

  133. Indianna

    I wasn’t sure where to post this, but here it goes.

    My husband is a military man, and as one, he spends a lot of time walking around in the same dirty, sweaty clothes for days, if not weeks, at at time. Recently, he came home with a raw spot on his foreskin from a considerable lack of showering and changes of underwear. He says he pulled the skin off when he pulled his foreskin back to urinate. It’s all healed up now, but it still gets a bit sore during sex. We have only tried five or so times in the weeks that he’s been back so that he can heal up. Is this a serious problem and is it likely to happen again? How common is this sort of thing? He’s pretty worried about it, although he won’t admit it to a doctor. When he’s out in the field, is there anything he can do to prevent this from happening?

    Thanks so much for considering my question.

  134. race

    first off I’m a new listener of the show and enjoy it . I have listen to most of your podcast . And have had my sone to be wife listen also . we have currently been having a debate on weather she should swallow or not . we have great sex and this is not a deal breaker by no means . but she says she will swallow when i let her stick her finger in my ass. this is not something I feel that I would enjoy but she is standing firm on not swallowing tell I agree. we are open about our sex and both want to please the other . she has no problem giving me a blowjob and I love eating at the y . and do so daliy . but should I agree to these terms or is this just an excuse she is using ?

  135. John V.

    First of all, thanks for a great show! I’ve enjoyed it quite a bit while at my boring desk job. If only my co-workers knew that I was listening to you two talking about blowjobs, kinky sex, masturbation…
    But I want to just throw something out to you. (And it’s a can of worms!) When I listen, I get excited about the possibility of getting my wife into some of the more kinky scenarios that you talk about, but then I remember that she and I were both brought up in very strict religious homes, and that I don’t dare bring up the subject of threesomes, spanking, anal… Fortunately my parents were more open about love & sex, but her parents had more of a “don’t take that thing out except to pee or to pop out a baby” attitude (and never really told her about how the baby gets there in the first place). She even had to share a queen sized bed with her older sister until she got married! So… no walking around naked, masturbation or exploring at all, ever. Since then, and after a lot of talking and gentle prodding by me, she’s sort of adopted a middle of the road attitude about sex. She likes what we do in bed, but no matter how much that I make her moan and squirm around the bed tonight, tomorrow she’ll be back into that “eh… take it or leave it” mode. I also have to mention that she’s been bipolar for over 20 years (we’ve been married for 27) and the meds have DEFINITELY had an effect on her moods and her sex drive.
    She’ll pretty much let me do whatever I want as far as going to (and occasionally taking her to) strip clubs, she’ll let me tie her up and blindfold her, and I’ve been able to stick a small (well lubed) dildo in her ass a few times recently , but getting her to ADMIT that she likes it an hour later, much less to ASK for things like that the next day is another story. So, on one hand I’m tickled that I have made some progress on her overall view of sexuality, but not enough to make her ask for what she wants, or even to know what she wants when we’re alone. We don’t have kids, so even that isn’t an excuse, but sometimes when I bring up something new, or suggest that she masturbate, you’d think that I was trying to get her to take up rugby or to learn how to play the guitar. Near zero interest from her end! Forget about role playing or getting her to tie me up, or anything like that. I’ve tried getting her to watch porn with me and without me, but the “that’s something that people should share just with each other, not the internet” comes to the surface. I’ve suggested that she listen to a few of the podcasts, but it’s the “rugby” thing all over again. Another part of the problem, and it has truly bothered me since we met a LONG time ago, is that I have never been able to make her have an orgasm (and she says that she has never known “for sure” if she’s had one on the extremely rare occasions that she used to masturbate). Why has the big “O” never happened? Who knows!?!? Her parents attitude, sharing the bed with the sister and never being able to explore herself, being brought up in the pre-internet days with no access to sexual information, her meds, and whatever else she may be carrying around… I’ve tried all kinds of tongue play, fingers, vibrators… Plenty of oohs & aahs, but no orgasm.
    So, to sum up… She’ll go pretty much wherever I want as long as I’m driving and she doesn’t have to ask for it or talk about it later, and no orgasms, ever. And no real interest in learning how to experience one.
    What’s a 50 year old guy who truly does love his wife do?

  136. Jim

    J.V. and Shara,

    First, thanks a whole lot for the podcast. In the month since I discovered it, it’s been a good excuse to increase the amount of sex my wife and I have been having. Quality has never been an issue, but we were down to two or three times a month, and now we are up to two or three times on weeknights, and at least one day of semi-marathon on the weekends (labor day weekend we didn’t wear cloth for sixty consecutive hours…AWESOME!).

    Now, I stumbled with two problems while following your advise (neither of which is your advise’s fault, but small obstacles in my way).

    First, very diligently, when I had an excuse to go out and buy some sex toys, I did. Good homework. Years ago I had bought a bunch of penetrative toys for my wife, but she didn’t particularly like them. This time I went for non-penetrative vibrating toys. Among them, a cordless hitachi magic wand imitation. This thing is great, and makes my wife come within seconds.

    The problem is that she says she feels guilty that she comes so fast. As she is fully multi orgasmic, I don’t understand the problem. I mean, I am the one who is not suppose to come too quickly, but I would be completely OK if she orgasms every ten seconds during the entire encounter. I’ve asked her if it is because it is too strong, and she says it is not, but when I use it on her, she really looks like she feels guilty. I don’t mind not using the toy (though I like that power of making her come in less than fifteen seconds), but I can’t stand the thought of my wife feeling guilty because she is enjoy her self “too much”. Any advise

    The second problem is: In general my wife is a champion cock sucker. We’ve been fucking together for twelve years, married for nine, and through that time, she’s mastered her skills. BUT, a couple of weeks ago, she was off her game, and gave me a terrible blow job, so bad, she noticed without me telling her a word. Seriously, I was surprised. I thought I was back in high school, receiving a blow job from a sixteen year old gal who probably had never seen an erect penis outside porn.

    My wife knows me too well for me to lie to her. I’ve told her several times since, that she knows how much I enjoy her blow jobs, and that one night out of her game in years of practice is not a problem… but I haven’t gotten a blow job since. Any advise here?


    • Medical Advisor

      I am going to touch on the second part of your message….
      I think you need to shift focus a bit here…you are justifiably disappointed in the loss of really great head, who wouldn’t be.

      Lets look from her perspective for a minute (I’m doing a Shara here for a minute). What changed from your wife’s perspective. A loving partner does not make drastic behavioral changes without some life event occurring somewhere/when.

      This is not a confidence in her ability and no amount of reassurance will fix “A bad day” because it is more than a bad blow job day going on with her.

      Does she have a physical problem that cropped up? Jaw problem, neck problem, a throat infection? Does she lumps or bleeding or any myriad of maladies great and small that cause anguish and distraction. Did one of you step out or provide the perception of stepping out.

      Did something with you change i.e. cleanliness, level of aggression or demand. Are their new stresses in your marriage? Is she pregnant and nothing tastes good.

      Did she find out something about you or herself that she hasn’t shared that takes joy out of life suddenly.

      I have discovered no matter how well I “KNOW” someone it does not mean they cannot withhold the true issue or outright lie if the stakes are high enough.

      You need to have a nice relaxing way to have a talk that covers life events not just bedroom events.
      This issue is not as simple as a bad day
      Good Luck

      • Jim


        I understand your point. Through twelve years of trial and error, I think my wife and I do have a very good communication. I would be surprised if she has withholded anything from me, but it is not impossible.

        In any case, the head is slowly returning. Seriously, I have not really asked for head in at least six years. She either asks me if I want some, recognize my I-want-my-dick-sucked eyes, or plainly surprises me with it. Two days ago, though, for the first time in about a month or so, we had an impromptu in the couch, suddenly she jumped up, away from me, and then went down for a couple of minutes, coming back up to finish me up with her pussy. As tactfully as I considered appropriate (that means, without making too much of a fuss about it) I told her I really liked the detail and I’m glad head is coming back.

  137. MJ_Cutie

    Dear J.V.

    I’m a new listener (on episode 16) and since the first time i heard your podcast I’ve thought everything both you and Shara have said has been nothing short of inspirational. It made me feel more confident about not only my sexuality but also talking about it. So now i have a couple of questions i’d like to direct at both you and Shara. I want to first point out that i have a very high sex drive. Since 10 my mornings have always started out a quick session of “hide the knuckle” and now that I’m a 23 year old married women not much has changed. My only problem is my 25 year old husband doesn’t seem to have the same sex drive he use to, and at two months of marriage its a hell of a time to find out. We use to fuck every single day sometimes twice a day. Then we got married and during the honeymoon it turned to twice sometimes three times a day, but when we came home it’s all changed. Now I’m lucky if I get it every other day, so I tried talking about it with him, and he replied with “I’m sorry baby, but my balls have nothing left”, so i end up going to bed upset and horny. I feel like somewhere along the line are rolls got switched. My next question will have to wait, to after i listen to the B.D.S.M. part 1 episode, i don’t want to ask a question that you might have already answered.

  138. OpenMindedBrownGuy

    Well I am an young Indian guy with a few experiences. I am struggling with the question whether I am a bi.I am definitely not gay as I luv women . I havent had too much experience but I just luv pleasuring a woman and making her cum. However I have had a few experiences with Guys too. But in all my experiences I have been pleasured by a guy.When I look back I realize I am not interested in giving another guy any pleasure but luv it when a guy rims me, fingers me and blows me.I have probably had my best blowjob from a guy rather a woman. With guys I have fantasies of being submissive , of being fondled and made to cum. But I dont feel like even touching another guys dick and dont particularly find men attractive.Does this make me bi? I dont know if it is submissive fantasy that makes me willing to play with a guy or if I have genuine attraction towards men.

    • OpenMindedBrownGuy

      Thank you for answering your question. I might email you with a followup on your email. Appreciate your response

  139. Finlay

    Hey JV, Shara and the rest of this great community. I have two questions. I should also add that I’m 15.

    1: I recently got into a relationship again and I was wondering if you have any suggestions on how to be a great boyfriend. I’m sure I have the basics down but any tips and the like would be MUCH appreciated. Thanks.

    2. It’s a bit of a long distance relationship (1hr away) and I was also wondering if you had any suggestions about that. I did a bit of looking online but everything mostly assumes you are in at least partial control of where you live an bases a lot of things around that fact but I am not.

    So really any information about these two subjects would be great. Thanks.

    • Faye D.

      I’ll admit that my relationship experience isn’t necessarily the best example, but I have been in a long distance relationship before, and I can tell you what worked and didn’t work for me.

      1. Don’t try to control your partner. Telling them what they can and cannot do from miles away is not only irritating, it shows your own insecurity. Instead, be open to the fact that they WILL have experiences without you. They will learn things about themselves and maybe change through these experiences. The best thing you can do it be supportive of their experiences and lend an ear when they want to talk about them.

      2. Do NOT call at crazy hours,or assume the worse if your partner does not get back to you immediately. Just because your partner didn’t pick up the phone on the first ring, or weren’t available doesn’t mean they are out doing unmentionable things. Also, calling at crazy hours (like 3am) shows a general lack of respect for them. People have to sleep, study, or even spend time out with friends once and a while. This action shows insecurity in the relationship and a lack of trust.

      3. People make mistakes. I say this because you are young. Young people do things that are not smart sometimes. If you or your partner do something that you feel violates the parameters of your relationship, do not make a rash decision. Gage how the act makes you feel, look at the act from a logical standpoint, and speak openly with your partner. If its something you and your partner feel you can overcome, then take steps to rectify the issue and reforge the bond between you. If not, do not judge or blame your partner or yourself too harshly. You are both young after all.

      5. Find new and interesting ways to keep in contact. Sometimes a hand written letter or singing anything (my mom use to compose ALL of her messages into songs) on your partner’s voice mail is a small way to let them know you are thinking of them.

      4. Masturbate. If you are in a mutually monogamous relationship, waiting for a lover to return can he difficult sometimes. Gear up for the long haul. Get toys if you can, or if you and your partner are up for it, try a little cyber sex or erotica writing to keep the fire burning between you. I usually wouldn’t say this to a minor I didn’t know, but since you are on this site, I figure its ok.

      5. OPEN COMMUNICATION! As J.V. often says, open and honest communication key to any relationship. I understand that you are young and may not be expecting anything long lasting. However, an incredible amount of trust is necessary for a relationship of any sort to work, and without trust and communication, you might as well just let this relationship go.

      That’s all I can think of for now. Take my suggestions with a grain of salt, and I wish you and your partner luck!

  140. Pepper

    J.V. and Shara,

    I currently consider myself a bi-curious woman. I have always been interested in being with another woman, both romantically as well as sexually, but have never had the chance. However, when ever I watch porn, I find I’m not attracted to any lesbian sex. I find the women themselves to be beautiful, but I just can’t get off on the sex itself. In fact, I’m most turned on by gay porn, especially in a dom/sub setting, which has nothing to do with women.

    My question is, can a woman still be bi-curious without liking lesbian sex, or is this a sign I’m probably straight?


    • Smooch688

      Hey Pepper,

      You and I sound a lot alike. I share many of your fantasies you shared on the bathroom wall. Also, can closely relate to this post.

      Wishing you fantasies cum true! LOL

    • Curiouskity

      Hi Pepper,

      I am a bisexual women and I don’t find lesbian pron a turn on. I find Man/Women or Threesome videos more of a turn on. I don’t think that you not enjoying lesbian porn makes you for sure straight.

  141. Smooch688

    Hello JV and Shara,
    I just wanted to give you some feedback on your erotic writing.

    Basically, YOU’RE AWESOME! I am really looking forward to “Lady of the Drake” – I can’t wait to get my hands on it. I am pretty much 99% of the time a non-fiction reader so the fact that I am looking forward to reading your novel is a big compliment. I have really enjoyed having you read me part of the story on your podcast.

    Keep up the great work, can’t think of an helpful criticsim to give you. I sincerely feel you are a great, creative, hot and juicy writer. **Ps Shara is a very lucky woman! :)

    Take care of you,

  142. Frank N Lola

    Just bumped into Shara on Facebook and discovered your podcast and looking forward to listening……

  143. LW


    I discovered your podcast last night and listened to the first eight episodes today (it was the one thing keeping me sane at my dull, repetitive job today. No worries – not that you would have any – I used headphones). I am really enjoying it and have found it to be very educational. I clearly have a lot of homework to catch up on and I look forward to hearing more of what you have to say.

    As I mentioned, I just started listening, so if you have covered this already, I am sure I will hear it soon, but if you haven’t covered giving blow jobs yet, would you please? It would also be great to hear from Shara on this too, since she enjoys giving them so much. I am a straight woman and I love to receive oral sex, but I don’t enjoy giving it so much. I think this may be due to the fact that I am not exactly sure what I am doing. Also, I have never done it for very long because I have not gotten around the mental block of being grossed out at the thought of a man coming in my mouth. I know this iss hardly a fair thought to have, given that I want my man to like me when all of my juices are flowing, so do you have some advice on how to work past this? Unfortunately I am between partners right now, zo it may be a while before I can properly practice.

    Thanks for putting up the podcast,


  144. Teresa

    Hi J.V.! Love your podcast! It’s been an awesome experience working my way out of the dark age!

    Just listened to the newest Audio Erotica episode. Really enjoyed the material, but you might consider using Shara for the female voice. Please take this as a compliment, but your high-pitched lady voice is a little creepy.

    Keep up the good work!

  145. t.

    Well you found my blog post (“Sex-ploration”)! I was very excited to see the email that said I had a comment waiting and from you. :)

    Yes, thank you (and Shara and everyone helping you dole out the wisdom) again! I am still catching up on episodes, but I’ve been downing at least three or four a day so it shouldn’t be long now (still listening in on the low 20’s).

    Since I am working on opening up sexual communication with my guy I have brought up the podcast to him and will be playing him some episodes on our road trip north to visit my family. And I think he was pleased when I told him I wanted to include more blow jobs in our play time. I wanted to say, another great way to top off a blow job, if you’re squeamish about swallowing and have the right cup size, is a good titty fuck. If you’ve done your part correctly it should not take long AT all! We’re no strangers to the titty fuck, and it has come in handy on those troublesome nights during Aunt Flo time when a shower is not an option, or we’re just too damn tired to grab towels.

    I am really enjoying opening up about experiences and I have shared the podcast with a close girlfriend of mine too! It feels really good to talk about so-called “dirty things” because it is actually so right.


  146. Tam

    Hi Guys, awesome podcast. I love the way you and Shara spark off each other in conversation, it’s very sexy. And LOVE the bell!

    I have a little bit of a rant I need to get off my chest. Recently I’ve decided to get over my shame at wanting to look at some porn (not something nice girls do, or so I was brought up to believe). Although it’s been fun, I’m getting kinda generally disillusioned by my findings. Basically, I want to look at some really sexy and sensual cunnilingus. Actually, more than some, A LOT. And I’m not talking about girl on girl, I want to see a man enthusiastically licking his beautiful woman’s pussy, and not stopping until she’s had at least one REAL orgasm.

    So far, I’m finding a whole lot of cumshots, fellatio, girl on girl, up the arse, etc etc, but not a whole lot of good pussy licking. There will be maybe 1.5 minutes of the guy giving some lacklustre oral to the girl, followed by 10 minutes of her sucking on his cock ending up with a mouthful of jizz. Don’t get me wrong, I love blowing my man and do it with pleasure often, it just seems really unfair that a lot of porn seems to glorify sucking cocks without showing much (men) eating pussy in return.

    I checked out the kink.com site (I have explored some BDSM in the past and am interested in learning more), but again it seemed the balance was greatly in favour of male dominants. It seems really unfair! Talk about the sexual dark age. I’m starting to think that porn is maybe not for me.

    • Your findings are a symptom of the fact that, historically, most porn is made by and for guys. That’s changing in a few sectors, and I’m hoping to get a feminist porn producer on the show for an interview some time soon. For now, if you start your search by googling “feminist porn” you’re more likely to find something that’s produced for women and more likely to work for you. I’ll see what I can dig up for links and talk about this on the show some time soon.

      On a side note, I’d imagine that really enthusiastic pussy licking is pretty difficult to film…a lot of my best moves happen inside or (necessarily) hidden by my mouth ;)

    • Indianna

      Amen. You and me both.

      Porn is what it is, mostly thanks to the idea that men are supposed to be sex fiends and women are supposed to be so easy to seduce. This frustrated me for a long time, until I started doing some serious searching.

      pornhub.com has a ‘female friendly’ section that has more of this sort of thing. If you don’t mind perusing, try longporntube.com. They have tons of categories and they usually have pretty decent stuff when you search by ‘most popular’ videos. I’m sure everyone here could recommend something, but at the end of the day, it takes some serious searching.

  147. Psyche

    I recalled that you said to talk about bad sex advice you were given. I give you two different stories:

    My father likes to buy licence plates over the internet and mom and I sometimes buy books over Amazon. My dad would keep “accidently” opening our packages, claiming he mistook them for a new piece for his collection. The incident that drilled it through his thick skull to look at the mailing address before opening a package was the time I bought a book of erotic art.( Just naked men and women, no fucking in these pictures). My father just handed me the book, glaring at me. My mother told me he ranted and raved about the book. But lesson learned: whenever I bought a book online, and I warned him of it, he never opened my stuff again. I should mention that I was an adult when this happened.

    Meanwhile, my father’s mother, my Grandma Grace, lived to be in her nineties. As a teenager, I used to visit her at her condo in Miami Beach over the summer and school breaks. I actually liked going there, except for the fact that grandma was a difficult person to be around and clueless about what modern teens were like. I made the mistake of asking her about how to attract boys and she advised me to pretend to like the same things the boy I was interested in to catch him. She was talking about pretending to like sports, but I have not doubt in my mind she meant in other things as well. This was from the mother of the man who, when I was taking sex ed classes in elementary school, simply told me not to have sex at all. Ever.

    • Ah, life in the Sexual Dark Age….

      • Psyche

        Not there was a chance of losing my virginity all through my middle and high school years, as I wasn’t allowed to date and I didn’t really like the boys there anyway. I was twenty-one when I popped my cherry. It was with a guy I met over the Net. That was eight or nine years ago.

  148. DW

    Just found your podcast today. It’s very refreshing to have someone speak so frankly about sex. I completely agree with what you said on the religion episode, btw.

    I’m up to episode 10 about blowjobs. I have to take strong issue with what you said about women who refuse to go down on a guy as being lousy fucks. Statistically, 1 in 3 women have been sexually abused by the time they are 18. This definitely impacts the ability to enjoy sex. I personally am a sexual/physical/emotional abuse survivor. The abuse started when I was very young and lasted the better part of 18 years. To say that it took its toll would be an understatement. I have been in intensive therapy for 5 years with the diagnosis of PTSD and DID. As it relates to episode 10, I woke up one night about 2 years ago to vomit on my pillow from having had a flashback during sleep of being forced to suck my father. I actually physically gagged during the flashback. Sex, in general, but especially giving head, has always been terribly difficult and often accompanied by intrusive thoughts/feelings. As a result, it didn’t happen very much.

    It has been a hellish process to go through recovery and literally have to rewire my neural connections. I am fortunate to have a man who has stuck by me for almost 24 years now. He has never pressured me to do anything I was uncomfortable with, although sex was a huge issue for me and often ended with me crying.

    At this point, with the help of an excellent therapist, a very loving husband and a lot of hard work on my part, I have learned to listen to my body. Both my husband and I agree that our sex life is the best it has ever been. And it’s getting better all the time. I rarely flashback during sex and it hardly ever ends in tears anymore.

    Of course, my situation is on the extreme end of things, but I just wanted you to be aware that for some women who have been molested/raped/abused, it is profoundly difficult to do oral sex on a man no matter how much the woman wants to. The last thing a woman in that situation needs to hear is that they are a lousy fuck.

    To any women or men from situations similar to mine and for whom sex is still frought with anxiety and fear, I offer hope that things can be different. I’m proof that abuse does not have to destroy your life and that you can, very slowly, with help, courage and perseverance, get to a place in life where sex is enjoyable — the way it was meant to be.

    I “warned” my husband over the years (jokingly) that he didn’t know what he was getting himself into as I went through therapy…that I might just be sexually insatiable and totally adventurous after going through the therapy process. Turns out to be true…with no complaints from him. I could never in a million years have thought 10 years ago that sex would be something I look forward to.

    Thanks for doing the podcast. I really appreciate it.

    • Curiouskity

      Hello DW

      Thank you for sharing your story. I am an abuse/molested/rape survivor. I never got therapy for it, but am now on my own getting help.

      I was not in a situation as severe as yours but after reading what you’ve been through and how you have become stronger and had great support has given me hope. Hope that I can get through this, with someone who loves me as support instead of fearing they will leave me and not letting all the stuff from my past effect what I have now.

      Thank you

  149. CandLinPC

    So I have a not-so-average question about ED. The wifey and I are swingers, and a couple of weeks ago, I encountered a bit of a snafu. I don’t know if I’d call it a problem, but I’ve noticed that I have a bit too much fun when I’m exploring a new girl. It is actually more fun-ness (not a word, I know) than hotness, and thus I’m not actually getting hard while I’m doing all of the touching and licking and other fun exploratory antics.

    Typically, I can get a condom on, and get hard enough to enter a pussy, but this time, I wasn’t able to. There are some mitigating factors; it was very dim in the room, and I used the ‘house’ condom instead of my own. Oh, and there was a fish tank built flush into the bottom half of the wall we were facing.

    So I see three possible problems. A: I’m having too much fun. B: I’m misplacing my theory of fun, and just have condom problems and need to diversify my condom training, or C: Bad lighting and an audience of novelty fish may not be my ideal environment.

    What do you guys think?

    • I’m going to run this past our medical adviser and talk about it on a future listener mail, but I’ve got a quick suggestion that might help. First, to address your ABC points…

      A: Does not compute.
      B: Way more likely, and plenty of guys need condom training.
      C: Distractions are what they are, and they can fuck with us in unpredictable ways. Maybe not the cause, probably didn’t help.

      You’re not the first guy to have LDS issues exclusively with condoms. This is a psychological issue, and the whys and wherefores could be debated at length. One easy shortcut that almost always works is to have your playmate put the condom on. If you’re there in the first place, presumably she can get you hard.

      If she gets you hard then wraps her thumb and forefinger around the base of your shaft and squeezes tight enough for you to notice but not enough to hurt, her fingers are acting like a temporary cock ring. Blood won’t be able to flow back out, and she can put the condom on in two seconds with her other hand. Then you get inside and get to work before your brain catches up.

      You could try doing this yourself as well, but frankly it will be more fun for both of you if she does =D

  150. Kimbergirl

    Just discovered your pod cast, LOVE it!! I’ve recommended it to all my kinky friends and to a few of my not so kinky ones. Keep up the excellent work.

  151. evellyn

    After listening to your podcast on BDSM I decided I would download the rest of your podcasts and have been going through them over the summer. First off: thank you so much to both JV and Shara for doing this show. I’ve recommended it to some friends who have benefited from it probably as much as I have. Second of all: it inspired me to become more proactive in my campus’s sexual education.

    I’m a college student and started becoming more educationally active starting with a panel of ‘out’ BDSM kinksters that volunteered from my munch to speak with the Human Sexuality class (very popular on my campus). Ever since I’ve been in contact and talking with that professor, even borrowing some of the books and documentaries from his collection.

    This year he’s offered to make me a research assistant and I have the option to teach classes to his Human Sexuality class, with his approval. My first lecture in mid spring will be on BDSM (a subject near and dear to my heart) and I wanted to send a huge thanks out to both of you for how much you educate others and inspire them to break down the walls of shame, and communicate with those around them.

    The thanks to you guys is mostly because you helped put the idea in my head that if I’m in a position to educate…why shouldn’t I? and your podcast on BDSM was a muse for helping me arrange the key points in my lecture.

    • That’s amazing evellyn, I’m honored we could inspire you like that. Let us know of there’s anything we can do to help you along, and if you end up wanting to use any audio from the show I’ll be happy to give you official consent if your professor wants to see it. Sex-positive educators are a rare breed and we’ve got to give our own a helping hand whenever we can :)

  152. NotSureWhatIWant

    Thanks for the reply to my previous post. Had to re-listen to the podcasts and you were right, very helpful :-)

    I do have another question though, maybe more for Shara then you; not sure. Basically I’m wondering what it’s like in your bed during “that time of the month”. Do you avoid sex then? Do you just do anal or oral? Do you not care and just go for it regardless? And if so, not to be gross, how do you deal with the “mess”?

    Again, thanks for all of your feedback.

    • shara

      That’s what was nice about the fact that JV bought dark colored towels :-)….he wasn’t going to let something like that get in the way of what we wanted. But, some people can minimize how many days the “mess” lasts if you take birth control. It tends to shorten those days a great deal!


    • I’ll be answering this on Episode 35 :)

  153. Psyche

    Hi. I was re-listening to the podcast about shame and how religion plays a role. That got me thinking: what is your opinion of the ex-gay movement? I suspect many religious homophobes are secretly afraid of homosexuals, and the whole idea got started because the Jesus freaks think that if sexuality can be so easily changed, then they don’t have to accomodate the gays with things like same-sex marriage. I’ve also noticed they seem to attract a lot of self-hating homosexuals. Any thoughts?

  154. NotSureWhatIWant

    First, so glad i stumbled onto your podcast. You are just awesome and your voice is hot

    With that aside; you can see by the name I chose you can see, I don’t know what I want. I am a very opinionated female, mother and wife. You would think with being opinionated and somewho typically knows what she wants, how she wants it and usually gets it; that the same concept would apply in the bedroom.

    My problem, in a nutshell, it seems I like to be dominated in bed. I want to be told what to do, how to do it, etc. My husband and I have spoken about this but not in great detail since thought he’d just understand. He’s far from a mindreader but typically understands what I need without me having to outright say it. I can’t outright say it this time around because I don’t know where to start. I know I’m not ready for anything like whips, clamps, etc.

    What/where would you suggest an amature would start? I mean, I like my hairpulled (just not out of my scalp…ouch!). I like to be spanked bare bottom. I like being somewhat forced to suck his cock (meaning he pushes and pulls my head just the way he needs it). But I don’t know what to add next. My husband and I enjoy using toys (mainly vibrators and silicone cockrings with attached bullets (yes, I love vibrator) so we’re not afraid to try new things. But what what to attempt next? Like I said, not sure about quips and clamps and things of that nature. What would you suggest to a novice?

    Thanks for your time, advice and thoughts!

    • I’d suggest starting by listening to episodes 17 and 19 with your husband, then talking about any ideas in those shows that appeal to either of you. We answered a similar question in episode 23 so that might be some help as well. One challenge for those with sub-curious playmates is that there isn’t a ton of information out there on how to be sexually dominant. I have that topic slated for a little later this summer, and if you have any further questions after checking out the three past episodes please let me know and I’ll talk about them on a future Advice Line show.

  155. smooch688

    Very new listener to podcast….LOVE YOU, LOVE IT!! I am addicted!
    I am looking forward to your next podcast on ass play – *ding*
    I just wanted to share something my husband and I use to help with the uncomfortable parts of this play ie cleanliness, rough fingers/nails, etc. The addition of finger cots to our play has made it so much more enjoyable. The technical name is finger cots but what they literally resemble are finger condoms. You can find them for very cheap in your local drug store – I think in the bandaid isle. Anyway, they are a priceless addition for any time ass play. They are soft, smooth and greatly help with easy clean up! We highly recommend them.
    Happy, fun ass play to all!! :)

    • You’re not the only one who’s a fan of them =D

      I spent part of my youth working in restaurants and in the kitchen we used them on cuts. The first time I saw them in the medicine cabinet I took home a pocket full ;)

  156. Sheltered Beyond Belief

    Here’s my question: how the h*ll do women get pleasure from masturbation?
    Background: 18 yr female, has found no pleasure in the few times tried masturbation or the one time try at sex. Has had only 2 bf’s and never really gone further then kissing (1 exception, as mentioned above) and worried about body’s functions or lack there of.

    • It’s far too early to be stressing out about whether or not your body’s working right. It’s way, way more likely that you and your body just need to get to know each other better, and that’s easy to fix. You’re just getting started on the greatest adventure in life, and getting started isn’t easy for everyone, but I’m sure Shara and I can talk you through it. We’ll be talking about this on the next listener mail (should be episode 34 or 35). Odds are far in your favor that you’ll end up enjoying sex as much as the rest of us.

  157. Finlay

    I’m not sure where else to post this but… Where are the porno glyphs? They are so damn funny :D

    • This page is for posting anything and everything, so you came to the right place :)

      I was thinking the other day that it’s been too long since I released new ones, and I’ve got some in the works.

  158. Finlay

    Hey, so I have a question. Seeing as I’m 15 a good portion of my brain ends up thinking about sex and losing my virginity. So here’s my thing, I’m not to worried about losing my virginity anytime soon, it’ll happen when it happens (soon I hope) but I was wondering. Is it better to wait until you meet someone who you really hit it off with to lose it or is it good to go for the first girl that will let you in? Like, seeing as most (all?) people on this site are older than me, when you look back does your first time really matter to you anymore? Or is it just whatever?
    I feel like I’ve made this a little long so in summation is it better to wait for a bit longer to find a special girl (or guy) or just go for the first person you can, and if you go with option 2 are there any regrets later in life?

    • There’s a lot of grey area there that boils down to whatever feels right to you. To answer the root of your question, for most guys the first time only feels like a big deal before it actually happens. Definitely don’t get hung up on worries about future regrets. Unless something outlandish happens your first time isn’t going to guide the course of your life, or turn you into a different person, or be your most cherished memory ever, or your one big regret later in life, or any of that other Lifetime Original Movie bullshit.

      I instituted an official policy that I only fuck people I actually like (i.e. enjoy hanging being with while wearing clothes as well) when I was in my early twenties, and I stand by that as a healthy bare minimum. Sex is definitely different with someone you really care about, but it can still be awesome as long as you’ve got chemistry with someone.

      So do whatever feels right, but as long as whatever you’re doing is legal wherever you’re at and you’re using condoms I’ve never been one to recommend polishing your virginity like it’s some cherished memento. I lean in favor of getting some practice so you’re better at it when you find someone you really want to hang on to.

    • Carrie

      A little female perspective. That depends very much on personality. My more romantic friends for the most part waited till they were in some sort of relationship that they believed (in their 16-yr-old mind) would be lasting and important.

      On the other hand, some of the girls I know, myself included, were more pragmatic and just wanted to find out what all the fuss was about. I lost it to a friend who was looking to solve the same problem. He was chosen because he was an easy going nice guy who I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable with and I knew (and this was so important) that he would generally keep it to only telling a few friends.

      No regrets at all. Just thought you might like the perspective and another idea for an option (friends with benefits)

  159. Emony Dax

    JV, at some point you mention, even encourage, grabbing the back of a woman’s head while she is giving you a blowjob. I’d like to caution you men out there. DO NOT grab the back of a woman’s head unless you have a comfortable expectation that she won’t mind. Especially don’t do this if you are new partners. It will color how she feels about you as a guy and as a lover. You will destroy whatever trust she has placed in you. To me grabbing my head says, “I’m willing to ignore your comfort level or actually cause you discomfort in order to make myself happy.” From my perspective grabbing the head is a big turn off in all but a few cases in which permission has been granted in some kind of way. First, I have a delicate gag reflex. Once you push my head past where I know I must stop you’ll set it off. Then I have to cool things down a bit and take it slower or stop altogether. It messes up my rhythm and I’m sure yours too. Once I’m annoyed I’m also not focusing on the task at hand. Just a thought.

    • I’m not sure exactly what comment you’re referring to (there have been too many episodes to remember everything in all of them at this point), but I stress often that you shouldn’t do anything sexually without a reasonable expectation the play will be welcome. When you’re playing with someone new you always need to take things a step at a time while you’re getting to know each other sexually. You’ve got to be careful, though, about making character judgments without context. Just to play devil’s advocate, what if a guy’s last girlfriend loved being throat fucked and it became a habit for him because that was how she liked it? A lot of women do, and that’s not an unlikely scenario, and it also underlines why communication is so imperative.

      People can have an aversion to anything sexually for any imaginable reason, and in your case you have a delicate gag reflex and strong personal feelings on the subject of skull fucking. Communicating that smoothly is as simple as saying, “Don’t touch my head while I’m going down on you, I have a thing about that.” On a guy’s end, just resting your hand on the back of a woman’s neck without actually doing anything will tell you a lot. If she doesn’t like force play at all you’re very likely to find out without pissing her off.

  160. AdonisBlack

    Just found your site and now your podcast has been loaded into my BlackBerry, chapters 17-19. just got through Chapter17 and took your advice abut looking at different types/styles of bondage, I find that rope and device bondage are where my focus lies.

  161. Heather

    Thank you times a million! The openness and information shared in your podcast has made my bed (or anywhere else I choose) such a better place! I will continue singing your praises to everyone I meet!

    • shara

      It’s our pleasure to make sure you have nothing but pleasure (and sometimes the fun pain…if you so choose :-) ) Thank you for singing our praises, it is ALWAYS appreciated and we thank you for helping us end the sexual dark age!


  162. Working to get above Vanilla

    I’m one of those girls brought up in the sexual dark age, trying to come to a better understanding of great sex. Thanks to your podcast, I am now much better, and more willing to give head. I’m a vanilla girl so far, but with some confidence building.
    So my question is probably too simple, but I was listening to an earlier podcast and the importance of how to do cowgirl and reverse cowgirl properly was mentioned, but I still don’t feel right doing it, so any tips for proper technique so I can get it right. Thanks!

  163. Hannabol

    Hey I’m new to the site and to the podcast so I’m sorry if my question(s) have been answer somewhere else. I was thrown into BDSM by an ex when I was 18. I really had no clue what I was doing as a dom, although I did really enjoy the little I was doing. Sadly she got frustrated and after a while left me. A mere three years later I’ve fallen into a very vanilla sex life, but I always remember that short time of, for lack of a better word, control.

    I ran into this podcast by chance on itunes and my curiosity has been through the roof. I am a currently single male now living in central Florida. I’m looking for different ways to get info and hopefully be eased into BDSM over the internet and in my area (I think one thing J.V. recommended was called a munchin?). I’m most interested in dom and sub, but I’m open to more if I can find proper guidance. Any infomation would be helpful and thank you for your time.

    • Hey Hannabol,

      Now that you’re on Fetlife you should check out the geographical listings for Florida here: http://fetlife.com/administrative_areas/3946. You’ll find some local groups to join so you can start meeting a few people (even if it’s only online) and there are also event listings. There’s probably a group for Florida munches if you look for it. I can’t remember if we discussed munches in detail during episode 17 or 19, but if you haven’t listened to those two yet they’ll help you get your bearings.

      If you go to a munch you’ll find they’re very casual atmospheres, and just be honest about your experience level and interest in learning. You can probably find a local mentor that will help you start finding your way, and of course feel free to shoot any questions our way :)

      • shara

        I agree, a munch is one of the easiest ways to get to know people and get good guidance. You can usually find someone who is well respected in the community as well as someone you would get along with.

  164. evellyn

    After listening to Episode 8 about sex toys with my Dom, I started considering buying my first vibe for us to try out together. What are the health benefits for women who masturbate. Men that spank the monkey get all kinds of great shit, like decreased chances of prostate cancer. Are there benefits like that for women?

    • Well, the benefits are really in the orgasm itself and not the method of getting there. In general, regularly scheduled orgasms help keep your blood pressure, brain chemistry and hormones in balance and working properly, so in reality everyone gets very significant health benefits. In addition, for women, frequent orgasms will heighten sexuality overall (i.e. keep your motor running ;))

  165. Rick

    I am a fat admirer and can only get aroused by a fat woman. There are more bbw and chunky girls than ever these days and I am floating out the idea that a podcast dedicated to bbw’s and their admirers may be in order. Fat sex is different in many ways and your listening audience may enjoy an episode on this topic. I am happy to provide more information if you are interested.

    • I think that would definitely be a worthwhile topic. I probably won’t get to it until sometime this summer, but I’ll email you when I start prepping it.

      • Rick

        Thank you for your response and I am happy to share my experiences in being a confirmed FA (“fat admirer”). Women who are thin already have body image issues and bbw are even saddled with more hang ups and I have had success in getting many bbw to open up and enjoy their bodies. I thoroughly enjoy your podcasts and thank you for your commitment to ending the sexual dark age.

  166. BMV1996

    My husband and I just started listening to your podcast. LOVE IT! Keep it up! Your podcasts are humorous and so eloquently put – and they make long drives tolerable. So we thought we would come hunt you down on your website and give some hero worship where it is due.


    B & M V
    (PS shame you are going to every two weeks).

    • Thanks guys, great to have you listening. Being back to bi-weekly will also allow me to produce more smut for you, so stay tuned :)

    • shara

      Perhaps I will just have to get him more help at the office so he has more time to END THE SEXUAL DARK AGE! That will be my homework assignment for the good of all who want to help end the sexual dark age.


  167. Elf

    I am very curious about what you will say in the Dom/sub episode (I am assuming here that it’d be natural to have such a delightful episode aired, yes? ;-p). I would say that I am not a natural sub or Domme, but have been both in the past (I would call myself a switch or perhaps Pansexual). Indeed, it has led me to believe that a good Dom(me) would have at least acted the part of the sub. But that is going off topic.
    Before going into that lifestyle I always thought that the Dom(me) had all the power, I read too much fiction online! Now, I don’t know if this is because I am not a natural (I just love kinky sex!) but that the sub holds all the cards. I’ll try to explain.
    1) They tell their Dom(me) their limitations, and those should be honoured. Encouragement into other areas, maybe, but I think there is a moral code.
    2) A Dom(me) needs to be creative. At all times. (hard work!)
    3) Safe word. The action can stop at a wink’s notice.
    4) As a sub, knowing that you are the one causing pleasure, that you could indeed stop at any moment, rebel, is a turn on for me when I am being subservience. For the Dom(me) to get off power has to exist.
    5) The Dom(me) burns the most calories – how do you guys do it all the time?!? Not that I’m saying I don’t rejoice that the strap-on was invented.
    6) The sub gets looked after. Right, I know this might sound odd. But to me it’s a cushy life. He had to offer services for that life! :-D

    PS – I’m missing the show this week!

    PPS – In the translations episode way back you did not discuss TGs / CDs. I find it fascinating (which, bless her, must had annoyed a past g/friend of mine) and I would love to hear yours and Shara’s view.

    • Hey Elf,

      Your synopsis of the power dynamic is pretty much right on. The submissive holds the throttle, the dominant definitely has a more complex job to do, and there’s no reward in the submission of the weak (i.e. a sub who doesn’t own their power before surrendering). Still, from my point of view as a card-carrying dominant, getting myself into dom space has always been well worth the price of admission (submission? ;))

      We’re going to circle back toward some more in-depth BDSM episodes once we finish the non-monogamy shows, and there will certainly be a D/S show later this spring/early summer. I’ll try to mix in talking about TV/TS somewhere between here and there, it’s definitely worth covering.

  168. uberdork

    After a 14 or so hour day at work in which i ate through almost every episode out so far i decided i wanted to man up and make sure my woman’s pussy was happy. Now she has no complaints AT ALL about our sex life and we are happy swingers who enjoy sexual fulfillment daily, but she has had some experience in the bdsm world and i had never really felt comfortable with it. Not that I didnt think some dom sub play would be fun, i just never felt that i quite knew enough to really play a good dominant. However, after listening to your bdsm episodes, i immediately told my girl to listen to them. When i got home from work we discussed her thoughts on it. She said that you told it like it is. Afterwards we started playing a little dom sub action. I ended up tying her up, her calling me master REPEATEDLY, skull fucking her like the dirty slut she is (That one was for you J.V. lol), and all in all it was one of the best sex sessions we have ever had. I’d like to thank you guys for all your advise, laughs, and entertainment. Keep up the good work! P.S. Its over fifteen minutes afterwards and she just said her feet are still tingling ;)

  169. kc

    Just wanted folks out there to know that absolutely mind blowing sex can happen to you even after 30 plus years of marriage. My husband and I recently, in the past six months, have embarked on a voyage of kinky play and it has freed me from the sexual dark age. We talk, plan, scheme and tease each other sexually. He takes his time, makes me come again and again, ties me up, spanks me and orders me around and I LOVE it! The submissive in me is alive and well and all I want to do is please him and have his cock in my mouth. A big part of this play that keeps us both excited is that we “sext” each other daily on our cell phones. This brings a whole new level of horniness to me when he describes the nasty scenes he has planned for our next encounter. We have started listening to your podcasts in the car and they have opened up our communications even more, so I thank you for that. I look forward to many more podcasts and much more fucking!!!

  170. Swaggie

    Hey J.V. and Shara. I have to start off by saying I absolutely love the show. It’s so refreshing to hear some of the things that I have been preaching to my friends for years. I’m a young cocksmith of 25 and a former peer educator for a planned parenthood youth group so I do have some experience on the health and communication side of sex.

    Anyways I have been a listener for about two weeks now and I have caught all but six episodes. I can’t get enough! I do also listen with my gf and we both love the homework. I’ve ALWAYS stressed to my buddies that it is not as much about getting a girl to fuck, but more about getting her to need to fuck you.

    My gf and I have always had awsome sex but your show is kicking it up a notch for both of us. We have used some light kink in the past( I.e. Electrical tape, rope, being gagged with panties and other fun stuff). We both can’t wait till the anal episode. We’ve tried it before and we both liked it, but it’s not apart of usuall play. Hopefully after the anal episode it will be. Anyways keep up the great work and thank you for real

    • shara


      So glad to hear you enjoy the show and that the show is kicking up your already awesome sex to an even higher level. Going to have to prepare myself EXTRA for the anal episode or hide the bell! ~giggle~


      • Swaggie

        Hey I also wanted to know is there going to be an episode about voyeurism and exhibitionism or are those topics going to be incorporated into the group sex episode? I certainly think that these are some aspects of group sex, but also they can be a totally different experience in and of themselves. My gf and I have had same room sex and I felt it was more V&E than group sex because we did not play with the other couple. they were in the same bed but we never crossed paths. It was super hot watching and being watched. Almost like a lil competition of which couple had better sex (of course we did lol) Anyways let me know.

        p.s. V&E is my own slang for the sexual dynamic of Voyeurism and Exhibitionism; please be encouraged to use it.

        • shara

          I agree with Swaggie….V&E can be totally different topic separate from the swinging episode….just sayin’ :-)


          • Swaggie

            Honestly I have a lil bit of both in me; I like to watch others. I’m not the creepy guy in the bushes, but if I’m on my balcony and a couple across the way is doing the do, I feel that it’s fair game. If you really didn’t want anyone to see you close the curtains. Hell sometimes the gf and I will get it in on the balcony. We’re into it because it’s someplace different and just maybe someones window may be open, and they may be horny or curious enough to see what the noise is about. It just gets me hot thinking about it. You seem enthused about V&E yourself Shara; if you have a preference are you Team Voyeur or Team Exibitionist?

      • OGP

        shara—hiding the bell is NOT allowed. Though as I piinted out your voice gives you away before JV can hit the ding-a-ling. It is a really fun part of the show.

  171. Bob

    Wondered if any one has experience with electro stimulation, positives, negatives, safety , better or worse systems. thanks

    • Hey Bob,

      I haven’t done a ton of electroshock play but I can give you some direction. I’ll put this down to talk about on one of the Listener Mail shows coming up.

      The two most common tools of electro-play are violet wands and TENS (Transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation) units. Violet wands are more fun and less hassle in my opinion, as there’s less to set up and less chance of unintended side effects. TENS units exist primarily as a physical therapy item with sex play as a peripheral use. If you decide to buy one, look at vanilla suppliers as you’ll probably end up paying a lot less.

      You’re looking at a few hundred bucks for a violet wand, but if you spend some time with Google you’ll find plenty of places selling them and some instructional videos. Electro play can be a lot of fun, and if you have any more specific questions before I get to this on the show (might be a few as I’m going to look for someone with a ton of experience to discuss safety and long term aspects) just drop me a line here.

      • OGP

        JV your lack of electrical play time does show. There are lots of electrical toys out there. The violet wand and the TENS units are the most common but you haven;t lived until the electric dog collar strapped to your balls goes off from the DOMME over half a mile away as a means of paging you back to the dungeon in a real hurry.

        Have Shara find you some of the wired pussy video clips on Kink.com the ladies there are VERY invetive with electricity. PES out of Las Vegas has a lotof really cool electrical toys for your pleasure.

    • shara

      Hi Bob,

      The only experience I have had so far is the violet wand. Scared me at first but then I enjoyed it. It’s been a long time so I would probably be nervous again but always willing to try something I haven’t done in awhile ~smile~


  172. saltydogg087

    Dear J.V. Altharas,

    I just started following. Your podcast is filled with some good stuff, man.

    In response to Cunni Linguistics, you’re on point.

    Did you know: 1 in 4 teen girls has at least one STD (According to MsNbc, Abc News, and The New York Times).

    Help keep your listeners healthy by reminding them how important is is to get tested often.

    Thanks J.V.,


    • Hey SaltyDogg,

      I came up with that STD number putting together research for the Safe Sex episode coming up. I bums me out knowing that number could be so much lower with realistic education for our teenagers.

      • KAP

        I amm working on all those stats for JV this w/e. The no sex bs of the past decade have really placed STDs in very untraditional placed.

  173. Squerrik

    Great show, I came in just recently but have backed up and listened to everything to date. Keep up the good work. And Shara, I bet you are adorable when you are blushing and the bell rings

    • shara


      Glad you enjoy the show and as for being adorable when blushing and the bell rings, well…let’s just say I feel warm and tingling all over and I think that brings a natural glow to anyone :-)


    • She’s totally adorable. And don’t let her fool you, she doesn’t hate the bell…she hates that she loves it ;)

  174. Kiersten

    Hi, I’m a 37 year old female. I have always had a high sex drive. But, it seems lately it is in overdrive! Is this normal? I’m almost always wet and throbbing. I am wanting things done to me that I never wanted before. My husband of 21 years isn’t complaining..:) lol but he doesn’t understand why i want rougher sex now. I figure I’m just board with the same ol’ same ol’. He isn’t into the kink, doesnt like pain.. I have never wanted it before either… But now…… Uggg I’m just so confused. Thanks for having a place that i can come to and not feel like a perverted mom.

    • Hormonal changes bring many women to a sexual peak in their late thirties. Sometimes it’s more of a consistent new high, as the word “peak” implies the sex drive goes back down again. It’s perfectly natural and even predictable.

      It’s also normal for your desires and relationship with sexuality to evolve as you get older. We open ourselves up to new ideas, try some new things and really like them, and our sexuality reorganizes itself around the new desires. I’ve mentioned before that boredom is predictable when you haven’t done anything new in a while, and it sounds like you have a dose of that going on too.

      As far as him not being interested in the pain, some guys have trouble separating recreational spankings and such from what they consider “abusive.” Most guys can step up when they “get” the fact that they’re giving you pleasure by using pain,
      so let me know if that sounds like your guy and I’ll come at the issue from that angle when I cover it on the show in the next few weeks.

      In the meantime I say, “Congratulations, enjoy.”

      • Kiersten

        Thanks JV, I am trying to be more expressive of my wants during sex. (thanks to your show) I forgot to also mention that he is 6 years older than me. I was 16 when we got married, neither one of us has ever been with another. We normally had sex 2-3 times a week. Now i want it every day sometimes twice a day. I think i’m tiring him out! Lol poor guy :)

        I am taking your advice and masturbating every day (for the health of my cervix, of course!)

        Yesterday I told him that I wanted him to pinch and pull on my nipples and that i liked the way it felt. He did it but, wanted to know why I wanted and liked it. I just told him that it felt good to me. I also told him I wanted him to tie me up sometime. It is strange that it is so hard to tell someone that knows you inside and out that you want to try new things! I am working on being more open with what i want. I was giving him a really awesome blowjob, (homework) i had music on, candles, really was into it. Btw I love giving head. His nipples were so hard i nibbled on one and he hated it. So i figure if he cant feel pleasure from pain, maybe he will have a hard time understanding why i want it. Thanks for your help. Sorry this is so long.

        • shara


          I would definitely ask him to tie you up, tell him to surprise you as to when (sounds like you have kids so maybe he could arrange to take you away for the weekend and have a relative or close friend watch the kids. Let him know that while he has you tied up to force you to give him a blow job (since you enjoy giving them and I’m sure he enjoys receiving them) this will allow the “rougher” side of sex to play out by him forcing you to give the blow job and a way for him to get some excitement out of the “rougher” side of the sex play.


          • Kiersten

            Shara, that is a great idea! I really, really need to do that. I hope he will go for it. I’llnkeep you posted. And yes, we have two teens. It is super hard now to sneek off for sex not like the old days when we could put on a Barney vcr tape and have 1 hour of mom and dad time. They stay up late at night, and now they *KNOW* what we are doing when we dissapear for a little bit here and there! Well, i thank you both for what you are doing for us. These are things I’d have a tough time talking to someone i know about.

    • shara


      Yeahhh for a high sex drive…enjoy it as I do! I’m in overdrive as well but I think I always have been, lol. I have a lot of mom friends that listen to the show and they too are glad there is a place they can go to feel “normal”. I believe this is normal but many do not share how they feel because they are too embarrassed. Yet, what is there to be embarrassed about when sex is something you enjoy. That to me makes any relationship strong and even stronger when you want it often. I hope your husband can go along for the ride and enjoy it as much as you do!


  175. Hank

    Any tips on getting someone out of your “league”? There is a girl who I know me and my girlfriend would be able to please the hell out of if we could just figure out the best way to go about getting her into our bedroom.

  176. Licker

    Hi JV and Shara
    do you like cream-pies and are you going to touch on this subject on your brilliant show?

  177. Bob

    Hi JV and Shara, LOVE the show, hey, I wanted to submit a question to you but I can’t find an email address to do it?

  178. Heather

    Thank you times a thousand! You and Shara know I am an avid follower of your work!
    I thought I knew a lot before, but in all honestly I lacked the foundation that your information has provided!
    I’m so grateful and look forward to everything else you have in store!

    • That’s why we’re here, and I love seeing posts like this :)

      Much more to come, and I haven’t forgotten your request for a “seduction” episode.

    • Shara

      I think one of the greatest things about this podcast is the open dialogue, not only between JV and I but also the dialogue amongst the listeners. It’s kind of our own little family, LARGE FAMILY (LOL) with a lot of kink. Followers like you make all of this worth the time we put into it.

      Thank you Heather!


  179. deeplockout

    I have a question on the maturbation podcast i just relistened to. as a teen and young man i did spank the monkey daliy and he liked it but after i got married and the following twenty years my wife looked at it in a bad light so i just did it in private, now at this point my sex drive is still on high and hers has went from low to non existent. ideas?

    • First, jerk off anyway. Your wife’s opinion on the subject is rendered invalid by the fact that she’s not getting you off. If she gives you any shit, just tell her it’s part of your prostate cancer prevention regimen =D

      Negative attitudes toward masturbation are part of the generally negative attitude towards sex that way too many of us end up with in the Dark Age. The loss of sex drive with age is part and parcel of those negative attitudes. Shame leads to an unwillingness to be explorative, which eventually leads to boredom because there’s no spice; and as I said in episode 17, there are only so many ways to insert tab A into slot B before you run out of new ground to cover.

      This is a really common issue, and I’ll get into it a little on the next full Listener Mail. There’s also an episode on “thawing the ice” in the works.

  180. Anon

    I have too many positive things to say about your webcast, so for now you’ll have to be satisfied with: “Thank you.”

  181. ninjah

    I never thought i’d say this but lately I’ve been getting bored while giving head.

    Now don’t get me wrong I love giving head. In fact I’ve been known to cum from it.
    Its always been something I really love doing but now it seems more like a chore.
    Maybe its because I do it so often or because I don’t know enough creative ways to spice
    it up.
    I don’t know what’s different but I know I need help.
    I haven’t said anything yet to my guy because I have no idea how to bring it up without making it sound like a big deal.
    This has only happened in the last 2 weeks but it feels like 2 weeks too long to me.

    So if there’s anything I could try please please please tell me.

    Because I’m so close to counting strokes its not even funny.

    Thanks in advance

    • Hey ninjah,

      I’ll hit this on the next Listener Mail in more detail, but I think we can give you some ideas on how to spice things up. One thing that comes to mind immediately, since I know you’re starting to play with BDSM, is to start giving head while restrained or restricted in one way or another.

      It will add another dimension to the experience, since any restraints will limit your mobility and/or use of your hands, so it should force you to get creative and work with what you have.

    • shara

      Hi Ninjah,

      First I guess I would ask if you are getting so interested in BDSM that the “regular” routine has become boring. If this is so is he willing to play in the BDSM arena and do you trust him enough to do so.

      If all of the above is true then I agree with JV. When you are restrained (my favorite is when JV ties me to the bed or my hands are restrained behind my back and I’m on my knees).

      Another fun BDSM play is to talk to him and tell him some things you would like to try. Trust me, most men LOVE the fact that the woman is interested. Once my Dominant told me to be kneeling naked when he came home from work and to have my collar resting in my hands. Just the thought of that made me wet as could be and well…lol…I was ALL his when he walked in the door and the excitement for me was more than I ever expected.

      For non BDSM play sometimes it’s all about putting yourself in the right frame of mind and not in the mind of it being a “job”. Light some candles, put some “come get me” music on….make sure to take time for yourself before hand….take a bath…doll yourself up more than usual, preferably you are home along when doing this, when he gets there have him take a shower so he is nice and clean and ready for you. Make the evening nice and relaxing for you and begin slowly to enjoy him. Sometimes adding some whip cream or chocolate sauce..something you enjoy…to lick is helpful.

      I have many more ideas should you want more but again I guess knowing how much BDSM play are you interested in and is he interested as well.


  182. I just wanted to leave a small note reminding you two that we love you!

  183. Curiouskity

    I love listening to all the podcasts. It has given me new insite into things and trying new things. The homework assignments have been fun.

    During the Christmas break I decided to try something with Liam and our other. I surprised them both. One morning I woke Liam up with a surprise blow job, and it was great. I enjoyed every minute of it.

    Then one evening when all 3 of us were together I decided to work on both Liam and her. I laid them both on the bed and switched back and forth between them. It was my firt time fingering a girl too so I learned how to use my fingers. So I fingered and licked her while my other hand was stroking him.Then I would go to sucking him while my other hand was fingering her. I didn’t stop until I had made her cum. It was a great time. I enjoyed trying to multi-task. To keep them both feeling good.

    With being a sub I love and want to please the people I’m with. I think I succeeded with this. It made me feel so good to do this to them also.

    I also got to try out a new toy that Liam got me for Christmas. It was a strap on set that I saw online that I wanted so much. It was so great to use. It was fun to find what angles are better for certain things when it came to anal usage. I have to say I love toys and am so happy I got to add more to my collection.

    • Curiouskity

      I also wanted to say that I am finding when I have sex I feel so much better. It cures a bad or down mood I’m in. I just feel better about everything after I’ve had a good time.

      • Yup, that’s the great lie of the Sexual Dark Age getting debunked. Shame and embarrassment over something with such tremendous power to improve our lives and attitudes has always boggled my mind :)

    • It’s always great to see your posts Curiouskity. It seems like you’re the same type of natural submissive that Shara is, and I love to see a submissive embracing her path. The homework is going to get progressively more interesting, so I hope I can keep giving you fresh ideas to improve your play time.

  184. On #16 you spent a little time talking about dyes leaching from sex toys and the potential dangers that may come from absorption. You do have reasons to be concerned. The science is in and we’ve found that many toys contain and off-gas toxic molecules. The Coalition Against Toxic Toys has done a lot of work in this arena and it is worth checking out.

    The avoid those jelly toys and cyberskin and stick to the steel, hard plastic, surgical grade silicon, and glass.

    J.V. I like what you are doing and it is very rare that I can say that about a sex education podcast. Keep up the honest pursuit of a very valuable cause.


    • Thanks for posting this Kidder. The flyer on the CATT website is something I want to share with my audience on the next Listener Mail show. In hindsight I also didn’t go deep into proper cleaning during my sex toy show, so this is a great opportunity to get back to the topic for a few minutes.

      It’s an honor to get a “thumbs up” from someone with your credentials, and I hope to keep you entertained as the show moves forward.

  185. shara


    I promise to give a full report back! :-)

  186. shara


    I think MANY of us were masturbating as young girls earlier than most wish to admit. I’m proud to admit it because I believe it only shows how much I enjoy sex. I too started masturbating at a very early age and can only admit that when I was done, I was smiling :-).

  187. OGP

    Didn’t realize I had that much beneficial to say.
    JV Thanks for the comments. Shara we expect a report of the safe back to front play.
    JV of course you are going to make her not remember what you are doing.
    Happy testing.

  188. ninjah

    I’ve been debating for a while on if I should talk about my sexual history. I desided to in hopes of maybe helping someone else and if I have more questions (and I will) then you’ll be more able to help me.

    As far back as I can recall I’ve always known about sex. Infact I can clearly recall masterbating with squiggle wiggle pen at 5. Btw I sware that was the thinest veiled vibrator in the world, ever. Haha

    my mom was a single parent and had a few boyfriends so I knew from her I-think-the-kids-are-asleep moans that sex must be great. She kept books in the house like Our Bodies Our Selfs and (I think this is the title) The Male Sexuality in the house but she couldn’t bring herself to talk about it directly to my sister and I. Most of my understanding of sex when I was younger was based on books which was okay but not really the same as having open discussions. Even to this day its hard for us to talk about sex but not because she’s not willing to it more because we’re just not into the same stuff. so the questions I have about bdsm and other things she just doesn’t know about to answer.

    My teens weren’t just about exploring sex but over coming an event that could have been a devistating blow to my sexuality. At 15 I had my first sexual experence but I didn’t lose my virginity consensually.

    Rape as a first time experience happens to more women than ppl may think and for a lot of women it can stunt sexual growth. I can talk about this now because I made a choice then that I wouldn’t let one asshole ruin my outlook on sex, period.

    I had a had a supportive long distance boyfriend at the time who helped me move past it and was okay with taking things slow. We built up this amazing trust in each other with conversations about sex that led us to having amazing sex. He off and on lived in Boston (where I live) so we saw enough of each other to explore sex. He always said “never fake the funk” and to this day I’ve never faked an orgasm. We tried different things all the time from handcuffs to quickies in the park. We’re still close to this day even though we broke up after 7 yrs due to distance. I’ve had some lovers sence both female and male but its been a challenge for me to find not just great sex but amazing sex.

    I’m currently dating a guy now whom I’m slowly taking things up a notch with. Thanks to Ending The Sexual Darkage I know how to go about taking my sex life to the next level as well as learning things I never knew before.

    I know this post is hella long so I’ll close with thank you for this site and show.


  189. OGP

    Music—– Like many guys I always like to have the mood music for my activities during naked or scene play time. I got into a rut (no pun intended) with Enya, etc, until one day I got my iPod set up to my classical music. Many of us oldsters remember Bo Derek, Dudley Moore, and Ravel’s Bolero in the movie 10.

    It just so happens I have a part time playmate (who never heard of Ravel or 10) so I cranked up the Ravel CD I have. just “playing” her various pussy parts to the music while kissing nibbling and caressing the rest of her drove her over the edge so many times she begged me to stop (and she is the Domme!) I keep telling her we are going to do a demo for one of our community classes.

    Sadly it has been some time since we last played but she gets hot every time Bolero plays. !!

    And for multiple reasons we have not gotten to pussy licking to Bolero. I can;t wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  190. Girl

    I just want to say how amazing this show is! I can definitely testify to how the sexual darkage has screwed with my head almost to the point of driving me insane with guilt over feelings I did not understand. Raised as a god-fearing child (and when I say fearing, I MEAN FEARING), I have gone through so many years of being told I must repress this side of me.

    My first even-remotely-close-to-sexual experience was when I was only a few years old and playing with a boy. That ended when my parents found me, spanked me, and put me in a corner crying to think about the horrible thing I had just done…if my memory serves me well, we were fully clothed and not touching “inappropriately”. I didn’t understand it. I always recall that as the first ever and most confusing and influential sexual experience of my life. It told me that any of these feelings I had must be terrible if they made my parents so mad. I was later told not to hug people, hold their hand, kiss them, have sex, touch myself…I actually grew up thinking that merely hugging someone was bad. I can’t hate my parents for this though. Religion and their parents’ ideas made them victims too.

    My ideas started changing with time, but up until a couple months ago I was still repressing SO much and realized I still know so little. Although it is still not easy to fully remove this crap from my brain, I am now taking steps toward getting my head out of the darkness…starting with this podcast. I absolutely LOVE it! THANK YOU!!!

    • I always love hearing feedback like this, because it reinforces my reasoning on doing this show in the first place. I’ll never claim to have all the answers, but I’ll keep right on sharing my own experience and (hopefully) helping you and everyone else who grew up in similar circumstances to find a guilt-free, shame-free relationship with sexuality. Thanks for sharing, and listening :)

  191. Shell

    Question: I debate back and forth ass to pussy fucking…my husband LOVES the idea I’ve tested it a few times but am uncomfortable with it because well …shit in the vag is nasty(in the bacterial scence). I want to fuck in kinky ways to make him happy and so he will do the tricks that get me off too. I just don’t know how unhealthy it is to mix body microbes. I will say it was liberating the few tries I did it. The two arguments my husband has is that animals lick their ass and its my bodies funk.

    • San Francisco, CA

      Oh my gosh HELLO bladder infection.

    • I’ll cover this in more detail when I cover anal as a topic, but ass-to-pussy is a really, really bad idea, as is ass-to-mouth. If you’ve done it several times already it’s a miracle you haven’t gotten a serious bladder infection, at least.

      Yes, animals lick their asses, but they have much stronger immune and digestive systems…dogs eat their shit because re-ingesting the bacteria actually helps them digest food. Everything your body sends out the back door, it doesn’t want anymore.

      The jumping from one hole to another on a whim can be really hot and a lot of fun, but the only two holes you can safely play that game with are your mouth and pussy.

      • OGP

        I am a KAP (Kink Aware Professional) this is an absolute no-no. a bladder infection is the least of your worries.
        If you like this have you guy “sneak” a condom on for your ass fuck then sneak it off for pussy fucking. if he is good enough you won’t realize you are not being nasty and it will still satisfy those urges in a safer saner manner.

  192. DeadViole

    Hello and i must say thank you for doing this. we have been playing your PODCAST for over a week now. We have played all of your, past shows in SL. You have met ( IMED) my Dom, Inkspot, on Skype. We have been running your shows and every time a few more new ppl show up to listen and are regulars LOVE IT…….ok lil about me.

    I grew up with what i now call being sub trained , by my father , NO NOT IN A SEXUAL WAY. But in the ways of being a woman. Look good when you leave the house, take care of your self , speak well, never disrespect your man in anyway ..i can go on and on , but i think you get what i am saying. But i never got that book on the different kinds of sexual guidelines so in my 40 years of men or lack of men….i mistook a Dom, for the ASSHOLE FACTER…..(IM 44 just turned ) and wouldn’t you know it, with just a casual meeting with a man in SL just talking.

    I discovered it’s a Dom i have always wanted, Just had never met a RL DOM (not a Dungeons and Dragons Master) i have been with my Master for 9 months now ..and have never been happier in my whole sexual life and emotional life …i learned what the ASSHOLE FACTER that i always refered to was not what i needed , or ever wanted ……A dom has been what i always needed …i never been happier, the main rules that was like being kicked in the head, of duh……..is the truth an honesty..when i got those things totally changed my life from a sneaky ally cat ( in SL i have been single in rl from 25 ) And this is the second part of my comment, we are both a lil older him 50 me 44.

    We have never physically met , but i have never known a man better we talk and hang out 10 to 20 hours a day sometimes (but yes we do hang out for many hours every day , he lives with his sub of 14 years and we are moving very slowly (it turns out he is actually always right every time ) but its not someone that, i know about him is what info he chooses to give me ..when you hear the family , IM his sub here his older children, we know each other as well as 2 people could at this point in any good relationship, we certainly are not having sex for 10 hours a day to we talk about everything at this point this man knows my body has taken control and has made me a much better passenger on the ride. But one topic you may really may want to cover is finding BDSM even when your that old dog and people that are older and have health problems and disabilities that limit some play IE whipping flogging and areas that could actually kill you if your skin was cut, i am in a wheelchair from a car accident , at 17 i’m a para , and skin brake down and the ass a small cut , you could end up in a hospital because a small cut can turn in to a pressure wound and 4 years latter be still recovering in bed.

    But i also did just get what we call are BDSM starter kit …ball gag, nipple clamps (DAM I LOVE NIPPLE CLAMPS) clit vibrator blindfolds cam…and ooh thank SKYPE (yes i’m a voice nympho ) but our needs and wants fall right in line with what we need from that other person in our life, or other persons in your life, but loving the ride its an E ticket ride and if it took me this long to find my gentleman Dom. I cant wait to see what tomorrow holds for me. (but if you ever do a show on disabilities and BDSM i would be willing to give you some help ….oo and start your shopping in the hardware department.

    • Thanks DeadViole, I’m really glad you’re enjoying the show and Inkspot’s addition of the show to his stream is a really cool bonus that I never would have thought of. Now I just need to get a promo made up for him…on my list of “catch up” items now that I’m feeling better.

  193. Liz

    Thank so much for reading my comments on the podcast guys! It has definitely made me feel like I have something to add.

    A little about my sexual history… I grew up in a household that was conservative on the surface but, for some odd reason, liberal in action. I had plenty of male and female playmates throughout childhood and developed a sexual identity that was slutty in nature and at odds to both my upbringing and the restrictions of the conservative area I grew up in (Colorado Springs). I spent a lot of time swinging back and forth between what made me happy and what I thought I was “supposed to be doing”.

    After many peaks and valleys I ended up getting married. Bad choice since it was completely against what I had learned of myself and my tendencies toward non-monogamy. That relationship failed and it wasn’t until after almost two years of celibacy that I discovered “The Ethical Slut” which brought me to the realization that I was not alone in wanting the things that I wanted. I wasn’t weird, I was just cut from a different cloth. I began to seek out relationships that were identified as polyamorous.

    I am now in the most fulfilling and wonderful relationship of my life. It is built on a foundation of complete honesty and includes an amazing sexual relationship that we both work hard at maintaining. I think that’s ultimately the secret behind a great relationship, that you both work hard at maintaining it!

    Well that’s my story… I look forward to hearing you guys talk about more advanced topics but respect the format of starting at the bottom and working your way up. I listen every week and visit the site all the time. Keep up the good work and know that I will continue posting as an advocate for everything you are trying to accomplish in ending the sexual dark age.

    • Having your input has been great Liz, and I hope you continue to share your thoughts with us. One of my many intentions with this project was to draw other sexual explorers out of the woodwork, in part to show the rest of the listeners that they’re not alone in their desires and delightfully dirty thoughts.

      The poly lifestyle definitely isn’t for everyone, but there’s so much stigma attached (as you experienced) that those who can’t find happiness in monogamy often end up in a downward spiral of failed relationships (and often adultery), because they can’t bring themselves to accept that there’s another way.

      The more advanced topics are coming soon, and we’re looking forward to hearing your thoughts on those as well; especially when we get to the swinging/group play topics.

    • Curiouskity

      Liz, I am glad you shared you experience. I also found the book “The Ethical Slut” to be very informative and helpful. I was at a drag show and had won the book as a prize. Ever since it has helped me figure things out about myself and what I want.

  194. Caroline

    something i thought you might find amusing. shara might even like to wear this sometime :) http://tinyurl.com/2v86shf

  195. Novastorm

    Today was the first day that I heard the podcast and I immediately identified with it. Its so funny that we Americans have this supposed “fairy tale” image around the world but are also one of the most sexually oppressed nations in the world. I remember when I was just a kid going thru puberty in middle school and being so stressed out that somehow someone would find out that I started masturbating already. When I was young I never got the “talk” from my parents, they weren’t religious but still didn’t want to deal with the awkwardness and I think that they thought that if they didn’t have to talk about it that I would be just fine.

    Unfortunately for me I had an extremely HIGH sex drive (and still do). I constantly felt so bad about my masturbation and compared myself to a drug addict with an uncontrollable addiction. In fact I kept this secret “addiction” throughout my life and always thought that there was something wrong with me. It wasnt until I was in my mid 20’s when I started listening to Tom Lykas and Love line that I found that it was ok to embrace my sexual appetite. I still felt kinda bad about my urges until about a year ago and then I just said FUCK IT I got needs and I am going to fulfill them.

    Now I am proud to say that I either have sex or masturbate once a day and I just make it part of my daily routine with NO MORE GUILT!! JV I love your no bullshit straight to the point attitude and love the fact that you GET IT. You are truly a great inspiration to us all that are stuck here in this OVER RELIGIOUS world.

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